Bite of Cold with Loss of Love
by Turtle Babe
Summary: AU/Slash-Kili always knew that dwarrow bonding was extremely complicated. Losing his One was worse than anything he had ever known, but Kili held strong to the belief that when you love someone, you set them free.
1. Chapter 1

**Bite of Cold with Loss of Love**

My best friend is Was-Mokie. She dared me to write anything that did not involve my absolute favorite fandom, TMNT. So, I choose my next favorite fandom, Tolkien.

This is an AU/Slash story. Interested, then read. If not your cup of tea then pass this story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing.

Chapter One

I watched him. I watched him from the shadows. He was so merry and sang happily beside another. Where once he would have been seeking me out since I wasn't at his side, he did not even notice that I was gone. Where once I was the only one that caught his eye, now there was another. I watched and my heart broke. There was another now and the other was not me.

Fili's hair, which was always neat, was now impeccable when he knew this other was going to be around. My evenings with the High Prince, my brother and lover, were now spent with Fili telling me all about the heroic deeds of Gwain. Gwain. This was a dwarf that I couldn't hold a matchstick towards in looks. Gwain was tall and golden haired just like my Fili. His green eyes were strong and his axe hand sturdy. Gwain was a dwarf from the Iron Hills that had come to live in Erebor as a diplomat to Thorin's court. Gwain had eyes for my brother and my brother had intense eyes for him as well. My broken heart shattered as I finally accepted the truth. Fili didn't love me as he had promised he always would. It was time to realize that for the truth it really was.

Sighing, I walked from the Solstice celebration and returned to what had been our chambers. I looked around remembering all the happy memories that I cherished that occurred within these wall. I stubbornly fought the tears that wanted to fall. Fili's happiness was more important than my selfish needs. Quickly, I went through the chambers and packed up everything that was considered to be mine and placed the boxes of my things in a room next door that was not being used until I had set up chambers of my own somewhere else. Sinking into a chair, I waited patiently. Hours later I heard his familiar footsteps and watched as he stalked angrily into the room.

"Do you know how long I've been looking for you?" Fili demanded as I remained silent, "Why could you not say one word when you decided on leaving the celebration? It is annoying to have to search you out like a…Kili?"

Fili studied me as I looked up at him from my seat. He looked stunning to me as he always did and I would miss him so much. I stood and removed the precious, hair clasp that had been made by my beloved's hands so long ago as Fili stood before me in confusion.

"This belongs to another now," I sighed as Fili's eyes widened as I lifted his hand and placed the clasp onto his palm, "I give it back so that you may give it to the one that truly holds your heart."

Fili looked at the clasp and then back at me with stricken eyes. He knew I knew now. He wouldn't have followed his heart without this push. I only wanted Fee to be happy whatever the outcome might be for me.

"Don't," I warned as he opened his mouth to speak, "Gwain is a good dwarf. He'll do good by you."

"I didn't mean…," Fili began before growing silent at a finger on his lips.

"You're heart chooses for you," I said as I backed away even as my own heart felt shattered within me, "I've ever always wanted you to be happy, Brother. You…you make sure he treats you right, okay?"

I hurried and exited the room as tears became too hard to keep away. I didn't want Fili to see the inevitable breakdown. I flew down the hall and disappeared into a room that was never used. I had almost hoped to hear footsteps following me, but there were none. Finally, I allowed the tears and my whole world broke apart within me as gut wrenching sobs tore from my very soul. Dwarves only had one, true love their whole life. Fili was mine, but now I knew that I had not been his. I would never be able to love again and the pain of losing my One was more agony than I had ever felt in all my years.

"Stop. Stop this," I urged myself as I whimpered upon the floor like a pathetic babe, "You chose this course for your One. Fili's feelings are more important. Act the dwarf you are."

However, I couldn't stop the pain and I couldn't stop the tears. Fili's existence in my heart was fading and closing off. The absence of my One within me left me gasping and finally, I knew no more. I woke on the floor knowing that I had fallen unconscious and it was now morning. I sat up hissing at the throb that bit at me from within. This was a pain I would have to get used to now. I tiptoed and got some clothes from where I had hidden my belongings.

"You look awful," I groaned as I studied myself in the mirror of the room I had slept in that evening before quickly cleaning up and braiding my hair to King Thorin's standards of courtly etiquette.

Sighing, I held one braid that had been in my hair since my coming of age party. This braid was my bonding plait and had been twined into my hair by Fili's fingers for years. I gazed at the braid sadly and fought the sting of tears.

No use feeling sorry for yourself," I growled as my shaking hands unbraided the last sign of having been a part of Fili's life beside brotherhood, "Some things are simply not meant to be. Let it go and stop acting the child."

Icy water helped draw the red from my eyes and I used a clasp my uncle had made for me in my hair before placing the royal circlet on my head that showed I too was a prince. I had been abandoned by my lover, but I was not without my pride. I would move on and simply deal with the outcome. There was no other choice. I walked silently to the breakfast hall and froze at the murmur of voices from within. This would be my first public appearance showing all asunder that I was no longer Fili's chosen mate. I drew up as much courage as possible and walked into the hall and over to the royal table.

"Good morning, King Thorin," I greeted as I bowed slightly while my uncle looked up and stared at me in confusion as I came to sit to his left.

"Morning, Kili," Thorin answered before reaching and touching the lock of hair behind my ear that had once born a special braid, "Explain."

I didn't have to. Fili walked in with Gwain at that point and Gwain was wearing my old hair clasp.

"Kili," Thorin breathed as he looked back to me.

"You once warned us that we were too young to understand that our world had been too sheltered and we hadn't met enough other dwarves to know if each of us was really the One to the other," I sighed as I watched how happy Fili looked as he and his lover spoke with Bofur, "I wasn't Fili's One, Uncle. I had to let him go. I'm glad that Mother passed before seeing any of this. It would have saddened her heart."

Thorin cursed softly as the pain in my chest increased for a moment. Fili hadn't even spared me a glance. He had certainly moved on quickly, but when you find your One, no else matters among dwarves.

"You will find your One too, Kili," Thorin reassured as I looked away, "I'm sorry, Nephew. I never wanted this for either of you."

"Wasn't meant to be," I lied as my heart shattered further at watching my One laughing happily with Gwain, "I…I am not hungry, Uncle. I need to find some new chambers. Might I be excused from council this morning?"

"Of course," Thorin murmured as I stood again, "Kili, take a few days off. There is nothing pressing that needs done at the moment. Just…just come to terms with the changes in your life without any other needed pressure."

"Thank you," I agreed and walked towards the exit before pausing as Ori called out a greeting to me.

"Kili, your bonding braid has fallen out," Ori pointed out as I froze while all eyes turned towards me in the dining hall.

Everyone stared and then the murmuring began to start up. Fili looked towards me with apologetic eyes as I drew myself up straighter. I would not show weakness. I was still the youngest Prince of Erebor. I had my pride intact despite the broken shards of my heart within my chest.

"No, Ori," I called back as the murmurs ceased as all listened in on my words, "There is simply no need for the braid anymore. Good morrow."

I fled the hall with as much dignity as I could muster. This was worse feeling than I ever realized that it was going to be. I mentally ran through the open chambers in the family wing and selected my new room as I walked from the dining hall. A steward opened the door for me and together we began to pull off the cloths that covered the furniture.

"Do let me dust the room before you move in. I had no idea that an empty room could accumulate so much dust like this. I will be done by the afternoon," the steward urged as I nodded.

"All of my belongings are in the storage room next to High Prince Fili's chambers," I advised as the steward listened, "Would you be so kind as to have my things brought here? I can unpack everything myself."

"Right away, Prince Kili," the steward agreed with a respectful bow.

I left the dwarf to his work then. The disastrous breakfast had drained me of what little energy I had at the moment and I decided to go back to the room I stayed in last night and try to rest.

"Kili."

I whirled and came face to face with a very worried Fili. He looked radiant with his courtly robes and crown nearly as regal as King Thorin's. It hurt to see a different style of bonding braid within Fili's hair and I fought to keep back the choke of emotion that wanted to erupt from my throat. My brother was not who I wanted to see and speak to right now so I turned to leave.

"Wait, Kili," Fili urged as I sighed and kept my back to him, "Please, let me say this. I'm sorry that this has worked out in such a way. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know. I forgave you from the beginning," I breathed, "I can't do this with you right now, Fili. Just…just go back to Gwain. I'm not your responsibility anymore."

"You are still my little brother," Fili denied as I turned to look at him.

"A little brother that grew up," I stated with as little emotion as possible, "A brother who learned to let go so you could be with the dwarf you were destined for. The clip looks good in Gwain's hair. I'm happy for you."

"Oh, Kili," Fili groaned as he looked sadly at me, "I've hurt you."

I closed my eyes for a moment.

"How can I not be hurt?" I demanded as Fili looked down, "No. I'm sorry. None of this is your fault. I…I don't blame you, Brother. Just…I can't handle you being near me. Let me alone. Leave me to heal."

I heard Fili gasp sharply as I walked away. It had always been just the two of us. Fili was with Kili just as Kili was always with Fili. That era was over now.

"Wait," Fili called as I froze once again, "I don't want to lose you. I still want to be a part of your life, Kili."

I shut my eyes tight as my heart spasmed painfully. I had no words for my One at that point. I simply walked away and hurried to my destination. Being near Fili was too painful right now and I prayed that I would be able to grow use to this pain so I could take up my duties without putting any undue stress on my brother. Fili could not know the truth.

"I know what he would do," I sighed to myself as I laid on the guest bed after undressing, "Fili would give up his happiness for me. I will not exist in a relationship where my One loves another. I will just…try to move on as best that I can."

I fell into a deep sleep after that. I had no dreams. There was only emptiness. When I began to wake I felt a hand stroking my back and I startled up and away.

"Peace, Nephew," Thorin soothed as I settled, "I've been looking for you for hours."

"I came here to sleep after choosing my rooms," I yawned out as Thorin listened, "My new chambers needed to be aired out and cleaned some before I officially moved in."

"Kili, you missed lunch and dinner," Thorin explained as I startled, "I've been worried sick. Balin and Dwalin helped me look through the empty rooms and it was Dwalin who discovered your whereabouts. You haven't budged not one inch until you just awakened and I was about to panic. You are not usually one to sleep so long. You must be starving."

I was not. I hadn't been really hungry since I had been starting to the piece everything together about Fili's strange, new behavior. I looked up and noticed my uncle giving me a worried look.

"I could eat," I lied as Thorin seemed to relax.

"Get dressed and I will have a maid bring you some food to your new chambers," Thorin instructed as I nodded, "I think I will join you. I didn't eat much dinner. Seeing Gwain fawn over Fili left a bitter taste in my mouth. I do hope that those two…settle soon."

I pulled on my clothes tasting that bitterness within my own mouth. Newly joined couples were pretty affectionate at first. I simply didn't want to think about that right now. Everything was too fresh and raw.

"Come," Thorin instructed as I followed him.

I knew what my uncle was doing. He was trying in his own way to be there for me. I allowed this. Thorin was going beyond his comfort zone and I could at least allow him to think that he was helping me, but unfortunately, there was little he would be able to do here. Dwarrow bonding was complicated and simply uncontrollable. I only hoped that I had the fortitude to withstand the Freeze.

"You still look exhausted," Thorin fussed as we ate in front of the fire in my chambers, "You slept all day long. How can you be so tired?"

"I've known about Fili's affections for about a week," I sighed as my uncle froze, "Please don't think that Fili was going behind my back, Thorin. I don't even think Fili was aware of things at that point. I haven't slept well since realizing that…that my bonding was ending. I guess I am just recuperating."

Thorin released a curse word that took even my breath away.

"I feared that this might happen to you two one day," Thorin groaned as I looked away, "I want you resting for the next two weeks."

"Two weeks?" I gaped as my uncle scowled at me, "I will be fine in a couple of days. I don't need…."

"Two weeks," Thorin interrupted as I grew silent again, "I understand if you wish to remain in your chambers, but I will be sending you foods on a regular basis each day. Balin can handle your duties until then. Good night, Nephew."

"Good night, Mother," I joked as my uncle chuckled, "I will be fine in time. Good night, my king."

Thorin smiled and scrubbed his hand through my hair as he had once done when I was a lad before taking his leave. I watched the fire for a moment as I fished the bits of food from my robe pockets where I had hidden some of my dinner. I was tired and not hungry in the least. Everything just felt so wrong now.

"There we go," I muttered as I threw the food into the fire to hide my doings from spying eyes that would report to my uncle, "Bed."

I crawled into my new bed and wriggled unhappily. This was not my mattress and these sheets did not smell of my One. Tears escaped my eyes as I miserably lay alone in a room that didn't feel like my own without familiar arms to offer me comfort. I drifted into a deep sleep that again held no dreams, no warmth, just darkness that beckoned me to travel further within.

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

**Bite of Cold with Loss of Love**

This is an AU/Slash story. Interested, then read. If not your cup of tea then pass this story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing.

Chapter Two

Tears escaped my eyes as I miserably lay alone in a room that didn't feel like my own without familiar arms to offer me comfort. I drifted into a deep sleep that again held no dreams, no warmth, just darkness that beckoned me to travel further within. The pull was tempting, but a banging woke me with a start.

"Kili, Lad, open up," I heard Dwalin yelling as I sat up and groggily pulled myself from my bed, "Wake up in there, Lazy Bones. I've been knocking out here for ages now and you should be good and awake. I said…Oh."

I looked at Dwalin in irritation after I had swung the door open. I was surprised that no one was looking out their door having a fit over the noise. Couldn't the dwarf have just knocked like normal folk would have?

"You look like pig shit," Dwalin groused as I rolled my eyes at him.

Dwalin. The voice of truth always whether you needed to hear this truth or not. Curse everything and back again.

"Good morning to you too," I snapped as I let the grouch inside with a tray of what smelled like food.

"Good _afternoon_," Dwalin corrected as I blinked at him, "You slept straight through breakfast. The king said to allow you to sleep, but to wake you for lunch. I hope you appreciate that I have acted like the good little steward for you, Bratling. Eat."

"Oh," I breathed in a little surprise that I had slept for so long and still felt so tired before reaching and pulling the lid off of the tray of food, "Do I look like I eat as much as Bombur, Dwalin? I can't possibly eat all this, my dearest 'steward.'"

"Ha ha, Smart Ass. Some of that is mine," Dwalin chuckled as he tucked in as I choose what I was going to try to eat, "More."

"I have what I need," I denied as Dwalin glared at me, "Don't look at me like that. I'm not a small child anymore."

"No, but you are a dwarf hurting that needs to eat properly," Dwalin bit out as he began to grumble about "blonde brats who should be ashamed" as I sighed.

I groaned as Dwalin filled my plate with more food than I could handle. I knew he was trying to help, but…I just didn't have much of an appetite.

"Not eating won't make things right," Dwalin stated as I froze.

"I know," I agreed as I began to nibble absently to try and get the dwarf off my back, "Nothing can set anything right anymore."

"Now don't say _that_," Dwalin insisted as I looked away, "You have a One out there that you will find too. Many young dwarves have made the mistake of thinking another is their One at times. Did you know that Balin once made that blunder? The maid was lovely, but both realized their folly and were able to move on without too much fuss."

"So Balin was bonded once?" I asked curiously as Dwalin nodded.

"For less that a year," the elder supplied, "That is why it is customary for the marriage ceremonies to happen twenty years after a bonding so all are assured that they are one another's true chosen mate."

"Balin's never been married," I grumbled as Dwalin snorted.

"Balin really never had much interest in starting a family with his military career," Dwalin agreed, "Mahal knew in his wisdom that my brother had no need for a One. That will not be the case for you, Lad. You'll know your One eventually and understand more of what is driving Fili's actions. You'll be happier once your One is found."

I knew the signs of finding your One more than anyone knew. A dwarf's One lives within that being's soul and if the love is returned, also within the heart. Their One becomes their sun, moon, and stars. Fili was my One. I felt him even now and knew deep down that he was blissfully happy despite no longer feeling him within my heart. I held to that emotion like a drunkard reaching for more ale to ease the pain of his absence in the broken shards of my heart.

"I understand," I said as I returned to nibbling so that Dwalin would tell my uncle that I was eating, "I will be fine."

"I know you will," Dwalin urged as I nodded, "Eat up."

I forced as much food down my throat as I could stand and watched as Dwalin left with the tray a little later.

"Oh, this can't be good," I groaned as my stomach turned over, "Not good at all. Mahal, help me now."

Bile filled my throat and I barely made it to the bathing room in time to empty my stomach into the toilet. For the next week I continued to sleep deeply and have difficulties with keeping down food in between unpacking my things and setting up my room to feel a little more like it was my own. Dwalin and Thorin continued to bring me food, but the vomiting was continuous.

"What is going on?" I groaned nearly a week after the break up with Fili, "I should be able to keep some food down by now."

Finally, I went to the library and found some books that described dwarrow bonding for a niggling feeling was making me realize that something wasn't right. Doing my research, I discovered that what I feared was coming true. The Freeze was setting in faster than I had anticipated.

"I need to speak with Uncle," I decided as I stood and dressed quickly, "Maybe he can give me some advice without giving anything away that will cause Thorin to force Fili's hand."

I walked swiftly down the halls and rounded a corner straight into Ori. The two of us collided in a fantastic jumble of limbs.

"Whoa there," Nori said as he reached for his brother, "Watch where you are going! You could have hurt Ori."

"You are talking to your prince with disrespect," Ori challenged as I blushed in embarrassment, "I apologize for Nori's tone."

"No. Nori is correct. I am so sorry," I apologized immediately as I helped Ori stand up with his brother assistance, "My mind was elsewhere. Are you hurt?"

"I am not," Ori assured, "Are you?"

"Just my pride," I admitted as Ori and Nori both flashed me a grin, "Where were you two going in such a hurry?"

"I was going to finish up the wedding invitations," Ori chirped before grunting as Nori dug his elbow sharply into his younger brother's ribs.

Bending, I reached and picked up a paper that Ori had dropped. My heart gave a sharp spasm of pain that made me want to pull a face, but I didn't even blink as I read the words on the paper.

_You are cordially invited to the wedding of his royal highness, High Prince Fili, Son of Dis and Nephew of King Thorin of Erebor. High Prince Fili and Gwain, Son of Bwain, will be wed on the Day of Lovers. Join us to rejoice this union. May all see the happiness of this couple in finding their One promised to us dwarves by Mahal._

"Kili, I'm sorry," Nori offered as I looked up at the two brothers, "I'm sure Fili was going to inform you in person."

"I-it's fine," I stuttered before clearing my voice, "I'm sure that you are correct, Nori. I hope them all the happiness that they deserve. I am sorry for not watching where I was going. I will be more careful in the future. Good day."

I turned and fled as quickly as I could. So Fili was not going to wait the traditional time for marriage. Why should he? When you find your One then there is no point.

"Mahal, this hurts," I groaned as I hurried forward despite the pain in my chest, "Why? Why is this so hard?"

I closed the door to my new chambers and slid to the floor in anguish. I was stubborn. I had my pride and I was strong, but this was more than I could handle. To lose Fili so quickly and then to see him move on with his life without even a thought….

"Stop it," I hissed to myself as I angrily swiped at the tears on my cheeks, "You said Fili's happiness was the most important to you. He is your One. If your One has found his happiness and is moving forward to secure that his bonding is permanent, then good for him! Stop being a baby. You are a full grown dwarf and not a child. Grow up!"

I sat up and went and splashed some water on my face. I looked into the mirror and groaned at my miserable state. My hair was limp and dirty and I was pale and worn looking.

"That is not the face of a Prince," I seethed as I regarded myself in disgust, "Okay. Let's fix this. Bad enough that Nori and Ori saw you looking a mess."

I quickly summoned a steward and had my tub filled with hot water and even indulged in some bubbles. It felt good to slip into the tub and soak for a moment. The warm water made my muscles relax and I leaned back with a sigh of contentment. For once my heart didn't throb so badly.

"You always did like bubbles," a familiar voice spoke as I opened my eyes to see my brother, "I let myself in, Kili."

I could absolutely wring Fili's neck right now. How dare he enter my chambers without asking for permission first.

"I am bathing," I snapped irritably, "Get out of my chambers. We are not that familiar any longer."

"We are still brothers," Fili protested as I turned away from him, "Ori let me know that you had seen the announcement."

And there went the pain in my heart again. Why couldn't I have just a moment of peace? Who did I offend so bad to be put through this torture?

"I have," I agreed as I began to suds up my hair, "Congratulations. I am happy for you. Now leave."

"Kili, please don't be so," Fili began as I exhaled in exasperation, "I had every intentions of sitting down with you and informing you of everything in person. I didn't want you to find out like this and from Ori of all dwarves."

"Fine. I know now," I bit out not looking up, "I…I am somewhat shocked by the suddenness of the wedding, but if that is the proper step for you then…then I am happy for you. Please leave, Fee. I can't do this with you right now."

"Kili…," my One sighed.

"Stop," another voice interrupted as Fili and I looked up to see our king framed within the doorframe of my bathroom, "You no longer have the right to barge into your brother's chambers like this, High Prince or not, Fili. I am a little disappointed in the fact that you are being so disrespectful to Kili right now. I have given you my blessing to marry Gwain, but I will not allow you to tread on Kili's feelings like this."

"I did not mean to," Fili sighed as I groaned at having so many people near as I lay naked in a tub protected by only bubbles, "Kili requested that I leave him be while he heals from the ending of our bonding, but I wanted to tell him from the beginning that Gwain asked for my hand. Ori let the cat out of the bag. I am just trying to right this wrong as best I can."

"I am naked and pretty pissed off at being caught in my tub like this," I gritted out as my cheeks burned, "I am still happy for you, Fili. Now get out. Go to Gwain and be good to one another. I'm sorry, Brother, but you are no longer welcomed in my chambers. Leave."

I heard Fili gasp before his footsteps retreated out of my room. I jumped at the hand on my shoulder.

"You did well keeping your sense of pride," Thorin complimented as I looked up at him, "I heard you two from the hallway since Fili did not shut the door. I would not have invaded your privacy like this."

"Thank you, Thorin," I hummed feeling exhausted, "I mean no disrespect, but may I finish my bath now?"

"Certainly," Thorin chuckled as he made to leave before pausing at the door, "The pain will go away with time, Kili. Once you find your real One then you will be glad that you went through this to be let free to be with your real mate."

"I understand," I said as Uncle left.

I _had_ been with my real mate and had enjoyed over moment that I had been able to bask in the golden aura that surrounded Fili. To lose that was almost like losing a limb. I finished my bath and went back to my research. There was no way to speak with Thorin about any of this anymore. He would force Fili's hand and ruin my brother's happiness.

"To lose your One means to lose a piece of your soul," I read aloud from one of my books after my bath, "At the loss of your One you become a Lost. Tapping into the happiness of your One will hold off the Freeze for some time. This amount of time to stop the inevitable can last for as long as the Lost's strength can hold out."

"I am a Lost now," I mumbled sadly as my heart twinged at the word and its meaning, "I'm strong. I can do this."

I sighed as I leaned back in my chair. Concentrating, I felt for the link I always had with Fili and gasped as giddy happiness swirled around me for a moment. The sunny feeling pushed away the cold and despair I had been feeling since losing Fili. It was a little easier to breathe now. Discovering this trick helped me get through the days better. I even left on a three-day hunting trip with Gloin and Dwalin and enjoyed being under the open sky again away from the suffocating feeling of home before having to take up my duties once again.

"You're looking better," Gloin observed as we rode back towards Erebor with our haul, "Getting over everything?"

"In a matter of speaking," I lied as I again pulled on my One's emotions to soothe my pain, "It was all just so sudden. I felt like the rug had been pulled from beneath my feet."

"Should have been handled better," Dwalin snorted having made his feelings perfectly known that he hadn't approved of Fili's choices from the beginning, "You deserved better."

"Thanks," I offered as Erebor loomed and my pain grew a little stronger again, "I will be fine. Fili is happy. That is what matters."

"You matter too, Lad," Gloin reminded as I looked at him in surprise, "None of this is making you happy, is it?"

"No," I admitted as I stilled, "It was you who said finding your One can be sudden and life changing when I was younger. It was certainly that way for Fili. It…it just didn't quite work out in my favor is all."

"That it didn't," Gloin agreed as we trotted our ponies home, "Time heals all wounds, Lad. Chin up."

Nodding, I kept my face neutral. Time couldn't heal a fractured soul. I withheld a groan as the gates of Erebor opened to allow us entry. What had once been a place of happiness for me was now a steel trap that ripped at my heart. My link to Fili was the chain and his love for another the teeth that had bitten me to the bone. It hurt to loathe a place that my people had fought so hard to reclaim.

To be continued…


	3. Chapter 3

**Bite of Cold with Loss of Love**

This is an AU/Slash story. Interested, then read. If not your cup of tea then pass this story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing.

Chapter Three

Time couldn't heal a fractured soul. I withheld a groan as the gates of Erebor opened to allow entry. What had once been a place of happiness for me was now a steel trap that ripped at my heart. My link to Fili was the chain and his love for another the teeth that had bitten me to the bone. It hurt to loathe a place that my people had fought so hard to reclaim.

"Here we go again," I sighed as my heart throbbed and stabbed from within me, "Dammit! Stop already. What's done is done."

Unfortunately, my heart refused to listen as the broken shards stabbed me harder from within. Stupid heart. Stupid dwarrow bonding.

"How goes it?" Thorin asked as he walked over as servants began to unload the game, "Looks like it was a successful hunt."

"It was indeed," I agreed as my uncle grinned up at me since I wasn't even off my pony yet, "Dwalin, Gloin, and I make a decent team even if I am saying it myself. It was good to get out into the forest again and breathe some fresh air."

"It looks like it did you some good," Thorin admitted as he gave me a searching look, "How do you feel?"

"Better," I lied, "I've come to accept everything. I feel well enough to do my duties as is what is expected out of our line."

"You do our line proud," Thorin complimented as I blushed at the rare praise, "I will see you at dinner. I have to go to a meeting of the guilds now."

"Have fun," I jested as my uncle rolled his eyes since he hated meeting with the bickering guilds worse than anything else in his duties.

"A guild meeting will be fun when pigs fly," Thorin groaned before nodding at me as he left to get to his meeting.

I watched as he exited and sighed at the lies that I seemed to be consistently telling these days. Mother would skin me alive for she hated untruths worse than anything else while she lived. Well. Maybe not as much as she hated dragons, but lies were high on the list.

"Kili?" a voice called as I slid from my pony and turned to see Fili walking over eagerly, "Brother, can we speak alone for a moment?"

"Perhaps your brother might need a moment to settle from just arriving home, Fili," Dwalin began with a crisp tone since he was not very happy with the High Prince at the moment, "No disrespect intended."

"None taken," Fili assured before looking back at me with pleading eyes, "I promise this won't take long, Kili. Just a minute of your time, if you would."

My eyes flickered to Gwain behind Fili before nodding silently. I couldn't avoid Fili forever. My brother seemed pleased and I turned to gesture reassuringly to Dwalin to let him know that I was fine. It seemed the warrior had decided to be my defender for the moment. Fili led me towards a sitting room that the Royal Family used at times for some privacy.

"Thank you for agreeing to speak with me. You are looking better," Fili began to try and get the ball rolling as we sat facing one another.

"Perhaps," I curtly remarked not interested in making small talk, "You want something of me. What is it?"

Fili stiffened and looked away with such a look of sadness of his face. I cursed inwardly when I realized that I had hurt my brother, my One.

"Fili…I…," I stuttered not knowing what to say as my brother looked up at me, "Mahal, strike me down."

"I hope not," Fili denied looking now troubled.

"Fili, I'm…look, I'm sorry to snap," I sighed as Fili regarded me, "Being near you is hard after what we shared for so long. I just…let me know what you need of me and I'll be at your service as best that I can."

"I want my brother back," Fili admitted as I looked up at him in shock, "I know that…that this is all messed up between us, but I found my One, Kili."

"I know," I grumbled before pulling up proudly in my seat, "I am happy for you, Fili, and you haven't lost me as your brother."

"Not true. You've avoided me like the plague and that hurts worse than being stabbed through the heart," Fili described as I sighed softly, "I want my brother to be at my side when Gwain and I are married in a month and a half. You are so distant these days and that is hard to see."

"How else can I act?" I stated sadly as Fili looked down, "I'll always be your brother. I never want to change the fact that we are kin, but I can never forget that I had been more and that you once thought of me as your One."

"We were young. We were fools," Fili urged as I closed my eyes to hide the pain he was causing me, "Now that I am with Gwain I can promise you that finding your One is the best feeling in the world. You and I can move forward and start real lives with our Ones once you have found yours. Isn't that a good thing?"

"I suppose," I hummed feeling drained and tired.

"No," Fili denied, "It _will_ be a good thing that we did not make the mistake of continuing to believe that we were meant for one another when are true other half was still out there somewhere. Your One will be just as perfect a meeting as mine is with Gwain."

I used every bit of my will power not to flinch at Fili's words. My meeting with my One _had_ been perfect. The affection just wasn't returned by Fili any longer.

"I understand," I lied looking away so my brother wouldn't see the untruth in my eyes, "I'm sure you are correct in what you say."

"Kili, won't you stand at my side to support me in my marriage?" Fili questioned before pausing as I choked while pain washed over me, "Kili?"

"How can you be so cruel?" I moaned standing as Fili stood in his alarm, "How can you ask me to watch you move on without me? I am trying so hard to accept everything, but you keep pulling the rug out from beneath my boots. Have you not tormented me enough?"

Fili choked on a sob as I backed away from him.

"What have you done?" a voice demanded from the doorway as Gwain stepped in and then hurried over to comfort Fili, "Prince Fili has been waiting for you all day to ask you to support him. How could you make your own brother cry?"

"As easily as he made _his_ brother cry," I whispered before bolting from the room as fast as my feet would allow me to run.

I raced past Dwalin who called out to me as I ran. I spared him no mind because I didn't want the emotions to wash over me yet. I couldn't allow anyone else to see me break. I skidded into my chambers and leaned against the door as I struggled to get my breathing and trembling under control. How could he ask this of me? How could he request that I stand there and watch my One leave me forever? I couldn't. I just couldn't.

"Kili? Kili, are you okay?" Dwalin demanded from the other side of my door.

"I'm fine," I croaked before clearing my voice, "Leave me be, Dwalin. Fili just surprised me with a request that I couldn't lend my ear to yet. I'll be fine…just…just let me in peace for a moment."

"You can find me if you ever need to talk, Lad," Dwalin said as I shuddered against my door, "Chin up, Kili."

Dwalin left me alone after I had mumbled a quick "thank you."

My heart throbbed so painfully for a moment that I saw stars and swayed. Groaning I clutched at my chest and shook harder.

"I'm going to be sick," I gasped as I hurried to my bathing chambers and barely made it in time before I was losing the little bit of food that was in my system.

Coughing, I gagged violently as my throat burned terribly. I was so nauseous and continued to vomit again and again as the bile rose within me. I barely registered that someone had come up behind me and was holding my hair back as I continued to empty my stomach. Finally, I had nothing left to purge and panted with my head over the commode.

"Brilliant job there, Kili," I reprimanded myself silently as I sank to the floor and curled up miserably on the floor even as hands skittered over him anxiously, "Who?"

"Why didn't you tell me that you were ill?" I heard Fili ask as I shuddered that my One was so close.

Of course it had to be Fili. Mahal, why do you hate me so?

"Didn't know I getting ill," I lied, "I'm fine now. You can go. Plus, I thought I told you that you are not welcome in my chambers."

"I will go wherever I need to if my brother needs me," Fili fussed as he helped me from the floor and practically had to lift me so I could get to my bed, "Of course I had to make my request when you were coming down ill. Have you been sick like this recently?"

"No," I lied as I accepted the mug of water that Fili had poured from the decanter next to my bed and rinsed my mouth before spitting into the empty cup that my brother placed at my lips, "It came upon me suddenly and took me by surprise. Must have eaten some bad food and then you surprised me with your request."

"I just keep handling things all wrong," Fili hissed as he looked at me so damn sadly, "I came to apologize when I heard you getting sick and let myself in since you sounded horrible. I'm so sorry. I never, ever wished to hurt you, Kee."

"I know, but you did," I answered honestly as my brother pulled in on himself, "I only want you happy, Fee, and if that means you having Gwain by your side, then so be it."

"Then will you come to my wedding?" Fili asked so hopefully that it hurt to know I was going to jade that hope.

"I cannot," I denied, "I support you in your happiness, but…Fili, I can't be there on your wedding day."

"I want you to be. I _need_ you to be!" Fili begged as I looked away from his pleading eyes, "We were too young to know who our One was just like Mother and Thorin said so many years ago. We should have listened so that you were not placed in this position. I want to share my happiness with you on my special day, Brother."

"My whole world has always been you," I whimpered as my brother trembled, "I can't stand there and watch my world walk away from me forever. I will do anything that you ask of me leading up to your wedding, but I can't be there for the ceremony. I know you wish me to be, but I can't, Fili. I just can't. I'm sorry."

"Your whole world is your real One that you will find one day," Fili stated as I lowered my head in defeat, "If you could only understand that what you are feeling will not matter once you find your One."

"Can you not even see things from my standpoint at all?" I demanded feeling frustrated as my stomach rolled again, "I'm not trying to hurt you and I know that you are not trying to hurt me, but the hurt is there, none the less."

"Kili, can't you be reasonable here?" Fili moaned as I sighed once again, "My wedding day will only ever come once and I wish for you to be there beside me. I can't even think of you not being there…you have to be. I am so hurt right now."

"So is Kili," Thorin reminded as he walked in from where he had been listening at the door as Fili and I looked up at him in surprise, "What you are asking of your brother is cruel, Fili. It is not a wonder he was ill just now at you asking him to stand by and watch as he loses you all over again. I realize that this situation is…is complicated, but your feelings are not the only feelings that matter here. Look at Kili. Look at what this has done to your brother."

I looked down as Fili regarded me with saddened eyes. Thorin began to lecture my brother as I leaned my head back angrily on my pillow.

"Dammit, Dwalin," I snarked to myself, "You went and got Thorin. I bet you were listening at the door this whole time and they say Nori is sneaky."

I tested my link to my brother and nearly cursed aloud at feeling his happiness diminished. My One was hurt and I needed to act.

"I'll try," I decided as Fili and Thorin both blinked at me since I had interrupted their talking, "I will try to force myself through my emotions the best that I can. I can't promise that I can make it to the wedding, but I will try for you, Fee. That's the best I can do."

"More than I deserve," Fili breathed as I felt the hope stir within my One, "You are so pale, Kili. Let me fetch Oin."

"No," I denied quickly in fear of what the healer would discover, "I'm fine. I just upset myself. Leave me to sleep."

Thorin walked up and felt my forehead. I had no fever so this was safe. My uncle wouldn't find anything amiss.

"You are like ice," Thorin declared looking startled as I hid a wince.

"I came from hunting and then lost my lunch," I groused putting on the role of the put upon little brother, "I haven't had a chance to warm up yet. No fever means I'm not ill so let me rest and I can warm up under my covers."

"Are you sure?" Fili questioned.

"Positive," I soothed as Uncle pulled the blanket over me, "I'm just tired from being sick like I was and need some rest and warmth."

My brother and uncle nodded and left me to undress and sleep. I had lied. I was never warm anymore and only was able to regulate my temperature by tapping into Fili's happiness. My One's emotions had been pulled towards anger and hurt by my words so I had slipped further into the Freeze. I had to rectify that.

"Come on," I told myself as I pulled back as far as I was able and used Fili's hopes to bolster my strength, "You can do this."

Finally I was able to stabilize myself long enough to get ready for some rest. I hated sleeping now a days. When you were a Lost there were no dreams. It felt like falling into a black hole once your grip on consciousness slipped away.

"I hate the darkness," I almost whined to myself as I shuddered.

Grumbling I fluffed my pillow and stared up at the ceiling. My days consisted of sighing and moaning like a wee baby these days. What happened to the proud dwarf I had once been?

"He lost his heart and soul," I murmured as a tear escaped one eye, "Mahal give me strength to be there for my brother as he has requested of me. Help me not tarnish my One's happiness. I will one day, but not now."

I fell asleep finally and found myself in the darkness that I had begun to get used to despite my hatred for it. The tug to go deeper was becoming stronger and stronger. Some days I resisted and some days I wanted to just let go and see what would happen. I ventured inwards just a little before realizing that I heard someone speaking to me and I turned.

To be continued…


	4. Chapter 4

**Bite of Cold with Loss of Love**

This is an AU/Slash story. Interested, then read. If not your cup of tea then pass this story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing.

Chapter Four

Grumbling I fluffed my pillow and stared up at the ceiling. My days consisted of sighing and moaning like a wee baby these days. What happened to the proud dwarf I had once been?

"He lost his heart and soul," I murmured as a tear escaped one eye, "Mahal give me strength to be there for my brother as he has requested of me. Help me not tarnish my One's happiness. I will one day, but not now."

I fell asleep finally and found myself in the darkness that I had begun to get used to despite my hatred for it. The tug to go deeper was becoming stronger and stronger. Some days I resisted and some days I wanted to just let go and see what would happen. I ventured inwards just a little before realizing that I heard someone speaking to me and I turned.

"Wake up, Kili. Come on. Open your eyes. Wake up. Dammit, Child. Open your eyes this minute. Wake up, Kili."

The voice sounded familiar and I gasped as I realized that it was my uncle speaking to me. Had I overslept or something?

"Kili? I think he's moved a bit. Kili open your eyes. Open them. Wake up. You've worried us enough. Wake up."

The darkness' draw was overwhelming, but I pulled away to hurry towards the voice that was calling to me. Uncle sounded frantic. I clawed forward and felt myself murmur softly as I tried to respond to the voice that was urging me awake.

"He's waking up! Kili, can you hear me? Open your eyes. Open them, Kili. Open your eyes."

Groaning, I forced my eyes open only to see my king leaning over me with Fili, Balin, Dwalin, and Gloin in the background. Everyone looked extremely worried as they gazed upon me. What in the world?

"Wha?" I grunted as I blinked in confusion, "Uncle?"

"Thank Mahal," Thorin murmured as my family and friends crowded around my bed as he squeezed my hand that that he was holding, "Two days, Kili. You have been asleep for two days and _nothing_ could rouse you. I've been worried sick!"

"What?" I gasped feeling as weak as a kitten, "I…_what_?"

"Durin's Beard, Kili, I've been so scared," Fili breathed pushing forward, "You were so still and wouldn't budge an inch. I've never seen you so still before. Ever since you were an infant you've shifted a lot through the night. You twitched not one muscle. Not one."

I blinked up at him as I felt his fear. Fili had been terrified for me. The thought that I was still loved to a point made my heart warm for just a moment. At least my One still loved me as a brother. I could take some comfort in that.

"How are you feeling now?" Fili asked, "You look pale as can be. I do not like this, Kili. Something is wrong with you."

"I feel…I feel worn," I admitted as everyone frowned and I realized that the Freeze's beckoning was getting stronger so I had to throw off everyone's scent, "Gloin, wherever did you get that beef jerky that we ate? Have you and Dwalin been ill too?"

"Dwalin and I have both been fine and that jerky was made by my _wife_," Gloin grunted irritably as I nodded pretending to look thoughtful, "I highly doubt that beef jerky could cause something like this. It was like you were here, but not here. Oin said he had seen nothing like it and has been researching in the archives."

"Maybe I was just overly tired," I lied, "I've been…there has just been a lot going on and maybe my system shut down for a short time to recuperate."

"You have been sleeping a lot since the…break up," Thorin stated as Fili froze and looked sheepish, "But I have seen you sleep just as deep as this and still wake up exhausted as you look now. I don't like this strange illness that you have developed, Kili. I didn't like realizing that you were so deeply asleep that we could not wake you. Gloin, go get your brother. I want him to do a full exam of my nephew now that Kili is awake."

I didn't argue. Thorin was using his kingly voice and there would be no way to convince him otherwise of anything that he decided on doing. I merely allowed Oin to begin his exam and was thankful that the healer had cleared the room.

"Kili, you know what is actually happening to you, don't you?" Oin sighed once we were alone as he held his listening trumpet to his ear, "I've done some research. You are suffering from the Freeze aren't you? Fili is truly your One and you are now a Lost."

I should have known someone as smart as Oin would figure everything out so quickly. There was no denying the truth to the healer.

"Yes," I agreed looking away as Oin cursed softly, "I've been fighting the Freeze ever since Fili's bonding. You can't tell anyone, Oin. This must stay between patient and healer. No one can know the truth."

"How can you ask that of me?" Oin demanded as I sighed, "Your uncle will kill me and Fili needs to know the…."

"Fili needs to know nothing," I interrupted in a hiss as Oin grimaced, "I am _not_ Fili's One. Being a Lost is rare so people are not looking for the signs of the Freeze within a dwarf that many believe has never found his One. Nature will merely have to take its course like it had always done in our people's history in cases like mine. I am your prince, Oin, I forbid you from speaking of this to anyone. Do you hear me?"

"Kili, that means that …Lad, that means…," Oin babbled in distress.

"I know what this means," I gritted out as I looked away, "I've known from the start of it all. Can you help me?"

"I can give you some herbs that will help with the pain," Oin agreed as I sighed in relief, "I can't believe this. Why this? Why to one as young as you are?"

I had no way of answering that. Why, indeed.

'Is Fili's happiness worth more than your own, Kili?" Oin demanded as I looked back up at him with a sigh.

"More than life itself," I breathed as the healer groaned softly, "It is not Fili's fault that Mahal has chosen a different One for him. It is not my fault that I wasn't Fili's One. I'm a Lost now and there is nothing…there is nothing to be done about it. You will keep my secret?"

"I will," Oin sighed, "You are _far_ too young for all of this. Damn dwarrow bonding and the mess it can cause."

"I agree," I smiled out feeling weary, "It is what it is sometimes. I cannot fight fate. No one can. What are you going to tell our king?"

"That you are suffering from a nutrition deficiency," Oin grumbled as my heart felt lighter that I finally had some help on my side, "It won't feel right lying to my king, but I understand your reasoning despite hating this so much. How much longer do you think you can hold out, Kili?"

"I don't know," I truthfully admitted, "I'm hoping six months to a year."

Oin choked as he took my hand in his. I offered a smile since that was the only thing I could offer to comfort my distant cousin.

"I hate this," Oin breathed as I was pulled into his arms and held tight, "I hate this so much. Not you, Lad, not this."

"I'll stay strong," I murmured into Oin's shoulder before saying my statement louder so he could hear me, "Thank you for helping me."

"Anything for you, Kili," Oin sighed leaning back and looking at me sadly before turning to his pack of herbs.

Oin reached and mixed some type of herbal tea for me to drink down and soon the coldness did numb to a more tolerable level. I drifted then and heard Oin murmuring the lie he agreed to tell my family and kin. I was glad for the healer's assistance.

"So the deep sleeps are because his body is not keeping enough nutrients in his system?" Thorin questioned sounding concerned.

"Correct. I have already given Kili some herbs that will assist him in getting his system to accept more nutrients. He shouldn't be left on his own until he strengthens," Oin said as I despaired that Fili immediately insisted on staying with me, "Not you, Lad. Kili doesn't need anything that may cause him unneeded stress."

"I will stay with Kili," Balin spoke up as I heard Fili arguing softly with Oin, "Fili, calm yourself, Lad. Kili needs to rest and not be reminded of the past."

"Kili is still my younger brother," Fili insisted, "I've always been at his side when he was ill from infancy. Kee is very precious to me."

"I'm glad for that," Oin retorted with an edge to his voice, "But who are you thinking of now? Your brother? Or yourself? Is staying with Kili going to help him get well or set him back in recovery? This is about your brother and not yourself."

"That is a cruel statement to make when the High Prince has been so worried for his little brother. Do not speak to my intended that way," I heard Gwain insist before a yelp had me open my eyes to see Gwain on his tiptoes as Thorin twisted his ear looking absolutely livid.

"You are not to enter Prince Kili's chambers like this without permission," Thorin ordered as the dwarf grunted in pain, "This is family business and something you are not to be privy too until after your wedding day. I give the orders in Erebor and not you, do you understand me?"

"Yes, your Majesty," Gwain agreed as Thorin released his ear, "I meant no disrespect to you or Prince Kili, but my One is hurting that his brother is ill and…."

"Stop, Gwain," Fili interrupted, "Oin is right. I was thinking more about what I wanted instead of thinking what was best for Kili. I will be informed of Kee's health, right?"

"Of course," Thorin agreed as I began to drift again and felt the blankets pulled up over my shoulders, "Kili is resting. Everyone out. Balin, make sure no one disturbs Kili's sleep. I too want a report at the first of every hour on my nephew's condition."

I fell into a deep sleep then and roused only when Oin shook me to help me drink some more of his healing herbs later in the day. The healer and I stared at one another grimly for a moment when Oin jerked my sleep shirt down on one shoulder and felt my collar bone.

"You've lost some weight," Oin accused as he helped me sit up a little more in bed, "You can't eat, can you?"

"Not really," I agreed, "My stomach rejects the food quickly. I am able to keep soup down. I'm sure the steward in this wing thinks soups are my favorite food since that is what I request most times for meals."

"That is good to know," Oin hummed as he he seemed to be thinking, "I can add some herbs into your soups that will help your strength levels. That will assist you in having more energy, but this will only be a temporary fix, Kili."

"I am well aware of that. I've done the same research you have, Oin, and I know that it is just a matter of time," I murmured before startling at a knock on my door and grinning at the dwarf who peeked in, "My king."

"My nephew," Thorin teased as I smiled wider, "You are looking better. The pinched look to your eyes is not as noticeable. Have you eaten?"

"Not yet," Oin answered for me as he stood, "I suggest that we keep Kili on more of a liquid diet. I think soups will be easier for him to digest plus I can add some healing herbs that will speed up his recovery. I only need someone to stay with the lad while I run down to the infirmary to get the proper herbs and then to the kitchen."

"I had every intention of staying with Kili," Thorin agreed as he pulled up a chair, "Be swift, Oin. I want some food inside of my nephew. He is looking thinner to me."

Dammit! Now Thorin had noticed too. I would have to be more careful in the future. My family couldn't find out until after the wedding.

"So bossy," I snickered as my uncle glared at me, "I'm sorry that I fell ill, Thorin. I have been neglectful in my duties."

"Not true," Thorin denied as he pulled my blankets up further on my torso, "It was an inevitable conclusion that the stress of things would catch up with you. I wish that everything had been a little more mutual in your split with Fili. If you had both found your Ones at the same time then you would not be so left out in the dark as you are at the moment. I hate that there is not more that I can do to help you through this."

"You have helped a lot," I corrected as my uncle sat up straighter, "I would have fallen ill faster if not for how much you have tried to help me relax and kept me fed. I'll be fine in time. How are the wedding plans going?"

"Well enough," Thorin grunted making a face, "Gwain is a good dwarf, but sometimes I want to strangle him the way he fawns over your brother and is always bringing him wine and food. Fili is very worried about you, Kili."

"I know," I snorted, "He's spying outside the door."

"I was not spying," Fili sniffed as he stuck his head inside, "I was coming to visit and was waiting for the opportune time to knock so I wouldn't interrupt you two. How are you, Kee?"

"Better," I lied as I watched Fili relax a little in front of my eyes, "I'll be fine. Better watch your One around Uncle since our king has little patience even at the best of times. I'd hate for Thorin to strangle him before the wedding ceremony."

Fili froze before laughing outright. I had made my One happy and that lifted some of the weight from my shoulders for a moment.

"Gwain is protective," Fili blushed as I looked away, "No. He does not need to be brought up. Let's not talk about him."

"Good idea," Thorin stated as he gave Fili a warning look, "Aren't you supposed to be in council?"

"I am on my way," Fili nodded out, "I just wanted to stop by and see how my brother was doing. Kili looks better."

"Kili is sitting right here," I dryly quipped as I rolled my eyes, "I'm taking my medicine and will eat like a good dwarfling, Mother. I'm fine, Fee, stop fussing like a Mother Dori. Go to your meeting before you are late."

"And you call me 'Mother,'" Fili chuckled as he turned and left with a small wave.

I waved back with a grin before settling against my pillow. Faking everything for Fili was so difficult when I had so little energy to spare.

"Don't push yourself too hard," Thorin warned as I turned surprised eyes on him, "That was a show for your brother's benefit. It is time for Kili to put Kili first for a change, you got me?"

"I got you," I grinned up at my uncle, "I am looking forward to that soup."

"Now that sounds more like the nephew I know and love," Thorin chuckled, "Dis and I always thought you were a walking stomach as a child. It's nice to hear that you want food again."

Lies. The only thing I knew how to do anymore.

To be continued…


	5. Chapter 5

**Bite of Cold with Loss of Love**

This is an AU/Slash story. Interested, then read. If not your cup of tea then pass this story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing.

Chapter Five

Oin did indeed start feeding me soups that were loaded with different herbs that were pleasant tasting and helped me get back on my feet. I still dealt with pain on a daily basis, but the numbing herbs and continued use of Fili's emotions to soothe my pain helped me hide how much I was hurting. I even began to spend more time with my brother in helping him select the perfect touches for his wedding ceremony. Doing this was like stabbing my own heart out, but Fili was so ecstatic to have me at his side that I just sucked everything up to please my One. I had even allowed my brother to drag me out at night on a few drinking excursions to make him feel that everything was returning to normal.

"Thank you," Gwain murmured to me one evening as I hovered in the shadows of the hall as dwarves roared happily with drinks in hand around us, "I know that this must be hard on you helping Fili with making his decisions."

"More than you know," I grunted trying to be respectful to the dwarf that had made my One so happy, "I would do anything for my brother."

"I have no doubts," Gwain agreed as my eyes flicked to him in surprise, "You two have something special you share that I will never be a part of. That makes me quite jealous."

"Fili and I only had one another for a long time and are very close," I sighed as I watched my One singing along among our friends and kin, "However, we were mistaken on our true feelings for one another. It seems that Fili was waiting for you all along."

I could see that my words had made Gwain uncomfortable. That had not been my intentions. I had no rancor for this dwarf that had not meant to cause me any pain, but another thought came to me and I turned to the dwarf beside me.

"Make my brother happy, Gwain, or I will lay a curse on you and your entire line," I blurted as Gwain looked up at me in shock, "I will call all of Erebor down on your head if you ever hurt Fili."

"I-I would never," Gwain stuttered as I nodded.

"Remember your promise," I warned as I saw Fili walking up looking concerned, "Are you drunk yet, Fee?"

"Not at all," Fili denied looking between Gwain and myself, "Is everything alright here?"

"Fine," I agreed, "I was just threatening your One's life if he ever hurt you. That is what a brother does regardless of what has been between us in the past. I tire now. Good night, Fili. Goodnight, Gwain."

I walked past my speechless brother before stopping at a soft call of my name.

"I give you my word of honor that no harm will ever befall your brother from my hands," Gwain pledged as I regarded the dwarf who had accidently destroyed my life, "Hail, Prince Kili."

"I will always hold you to these words you have spoken," I vowed as I dipped my head slightly at the couple, "Hail, High Prince Fili and his chosen mate."

I had to pause in the hallway and hunch over as the pain in my heart tore me up inside while I gripped desperately at my chest. I had been hopeful with my words to Oin. I doubted now if I could wait three months, let alone six to twelve. I didn't even jump when Oin's arms assisted me to walk to my room. The healer's eyes were on me constantly these days.

"I'm fine," I insisted as Oin looked at me in concern once he helped me settle into my chair in front of the fire in my chambers.

"Stop pushing yourself so hard," Oin said as he plopped down in another seat, "You're pale as the moon right now. If this continues then I will tell Thorin that you need to be on bed rest."

I hissed softly and looked into the dancing flames. I had been pushing myself to be there for my One. Fili was so excited and his joy was contagious.

"He is so happy," I murmured as I continued to watch the flickering fire.

"That he is, Kili," Oin agreed as I heard him sigh, "None of this feels right. I don't like lying to your brother and my king. I'm sick of watching you hurt. You hide it well, but a healer always knows. I always know."

"We are dwarves," I breathed softly, "We are what we are for good or bad and that includes how we find our One. If he is happy then I have no complaints."

"He won't be happy when it is all said and done," Oin snapped as I groaned at the spoken truth, "Let me speak to your uncle. Maybe there is some way that…."

"You are a healer," I interrupted as Oin grew silent, "Is there really anything than can be done when your One loves another? Is there, Oin?"

"No," the healer moaned looking down, "There is nothing than can be done when you are a Lost. I have searched and searched through the medical archives to try and find a way to stop the inevitable. I have found nothing."

"I'll just keep it back for as long as I can," I sighed as Oin kneeled and took my hand, "I'm glad that you know. It is nice to have someone to talk to who understands."

Oin looked close to tears as he nodded his understanding. He hated this. I knew it. The Freeze was hard to go through let alone to watch someone you care for be pulled into it. I must have fallen asleep because I woke the next day to murmuring voice as I lay within my bedcovers.

"I thought you said that the herbs would help him gain strength," I heard Thorin bite out from nearby, "Kili looks horribly pale and has lost more weight. I can see his clavicle bones sticking out from that nightshirt."

"Kili is working hard to recover," Oin soothed as I heard my uncle sigh, "I told you that he is having some issues keeping food in his system so a little weight loss should be expected. Losing Fili has just been hard on the lad, Thorin."

"I am so close to calling off that accursed wedding for I know that the stress of it is making Kili worse," Thorin snapped, "I feel like chucking Gwain off of the top of this mountain and watching him bounce all the way back to the Iron Hills."

I laughed hard at that as I watched Oin and Thorin startle at my outburst. Tears of mirth poured from my eyes at the image of a bouncing dwarf.

"Feels good to hear your laughter again," Thorin chuckled once I settled, "You are to remain in bed today."

"I'm fine," I denied sitting up, "I'm supposed to help Fili with his final fitting of his dress robes for the wedding. I can't disappoint him."

"He will get over it," Thorin insisted as he pushed me back down, "Kili, you have no color in your face at all. Oin came and got me this morning to ask for me to request this of you. Your illness is getting worse. I don't have to be a healer to see that, Nephew."

Dammit! There would come a time I wouldn't be able to hide anything at all. I just needed to last a little longer.

"Very well," I agreed feeling tired as it was and didn't feel like arguing, "I was also supposed to go with Dwalin to inspect our troops."

"I've been inspecting troops before you were ever born and in diapers," Dwalin snorted as he walked in with what was obviously food for me on a tray, "I can handle that without you today. You just concentrate on convincing that stubborn body of yours that food is a good thing to digest fully."

"I will," I chuckled as the gruff dwarf carefully settled the tray of food on my lap, "Oh. Cream-chicken soup. That is my favorite."

"I know," Dwalin agreed, "Your brother informed me of that and everything else that is your favorite when you are ill. Fili already knows that you are laid up and went to the kitchens to request this soup prepared for you with Oin's herbs."

"Of course he would," I hummed as I sipped some of my breakfast down, "Thank you and tell Fili the same for me."

"Tell me yourself, Kee," Fili called as he walked through the door, "Why didn't you say that you were feeling weak last night?"

"I was just tired," I lied as I saw Oin hide a grimace, "Really, it is not until later that I realize that I've overdone things. I feel fine up to…."

"Crashing?" Fili interrupted as I nodded, "I see that I have asked too much of you, Kili. You have supported me despite the pain the ending of our bonding has caused you. With this illness, you need to take things easier and get well again. I can handle the rest of the wedding plans on my own and will not ask you to waste the little energy you have right now."

I felt a little better at hearing Fili's words. It would make life a little easier not having to watch as Fili planned a wedding that was torturing me.

"I'm sorry," I apologized as Fili looked at me in confusion, "I know that you wanted me by your side. I've tried, Fee, I really have."

"I know that," Fili assured, "I was wrong to ask this of you."

"No," I disagreed, "I would want you to share a happy event like this with my brother too. It's just all…of course I would grow ill like this when you are trying to plan something so important. I always did have bad timing."

"That you always have," Thorin chuckled as I smiled at him over Fili's shoulder, "Remember the time when we were supposed to be setting up for your brother's birthday and you decided that as a surprise you would do your own hair."

I blushed at the memory as Dwalin looked confused.

"Thorin and I came home to hear Kili wailing his heart out because he got his brush stuck in his hair and his sleeve had gotten caught in his hair clasp. Poor Kee looked like he'd been through a hair war and his arm was numb from being up all afternoon," Fili explained as I blushed even more, "Took me hours to untangle the mess. Kili was terrified of brushes for a year after that. He'd only let me do his hair for the longest."

I smiled as I remembered how gentle Fili had been with me. I knew even back then that the golden-haired dwarf was my One. A sharp twinge gave me pause for a moment before I covered the grunt of surprise with a fake cough.

"No more embarrassing stories," I whined as everyone laughed at me, "But…thank you, Fili, for understanding."

I was left alone with Oin then as the healer watched me finish my soup. I gratefully took the cup of medicine from the older dwarf in hopes that the numbing would work quickly.

"I'm sorry that I went to your uncle behind your back," Oin offered as I nodded, "The more you rest the easier it will be to fight this, Kili."

"I understand," I agreed as I sipped at the bitter fluid, "At least now Fili understands that what he wanted out of me was more than I could give. I can hold on a little easier now."

"Good point," Oin remarked as he took the tray and set it on a table, "There is even some color returning to your cheeks now. I'm going to set you up on a schedule. I want you sleeping in and then you can do some light duties in the morning. You will eat regularly and I think some time on the windowed balcony will do you some good to get some sunshine minus the cold wind."

"I can do that," I agreed.

"You will nap every afternoon," Oin continued as I pulled a face, "None of that, Kili. I know that you are pushing through for your One and for our king, but this is serious. The better you take care of yourself the longer you can hold off the Freeze."

"Very well," I murmured as sleep pulled at me, "As you wish, Oin."

"Not what I wish," I heard Oin practically growl as I was helped to lay back down, "This is never what I wished for you, Kili. Not this."

With Oin's care I was able to gain some strength back enough to fool my family and kin into thinking that my "illness" was mending. I again joined Fili in his planning, but in a lesser degree than before. I wanted to be near my One for as long as I could be.

"I don't understand why dress robes have to be so damn long," Fili growled from behind the curtain he was using to dress.

"I agree," I chuckled as I heard my brother snarling angrily, "I never liked them much myself, but you can't get married in trousers and a tunic, Fee, you're the High Prince."

"I'm the 'High Prince,'" Fili mocked in a high voice, "If I'm the High Prince why is everyone telling me what to do? I'd love to just run off and elope."

I choked for a second at the pain in my chest as Fili stuck his head out in concern.

"Kili, that was thoughtless of me," my One groaned, "I'm so sorry."

"No. No, it's fine," I comforted as the older dwarf studied me while I pushed the pain away for the moment, "Let's see those robes."

Fili shyly stepped out in his silvery robes with our line's crest embroidered across the chest. He looked stunning.

"My," I breathed as I drank in the sight of my One, "Look at you. That…that is going to take Gwain's breath away. I'm speechless."

"Really?" Fili questioned looking into a mirror and grimacing, "I feel ridiculous."

"You look like a dwarven prince, Fee," I soothed as my brother perked up, "You will make Thorin very proud to…to give you away in marriage."

Fili looked so happy that I used his emotions to try and keep the pain at bay, but it wasn't helping any longer. The wedding was in less than ten days and the closer it got, the more pain I was feeling. My strength was giving out. Guests had begun piling into Erebor due to the many celebrations that were being held leading up to the wedding.

"Kili?" Fili demanded suddenly as he gripped my arm since I hadn't realized that I was swaying, "Are you okay?"

"No," I admitted as my brother looked panicked, "I…Fee, I can't do this anymore. I love you."

"I love you too, Kee, that will never change with my marriage to Gwain," Fili tried to assured as I closed my eyes at the throbbing of my heart, "Are you still holding on to this idea that our bonding was ever true?"

"It was true to me," I whispered as tears filled my eyes.

"Don't be a child," Fili snapped making me start in surprise, "We were young fools who knew nothing of real love. You will understand when you find your One."

"I see," I icily retorted as I jerked my arm out of Fili's grip, "I already told you that I've tried my hardest for you, but I can't do this anymore. I can't go to your wedding. It hurts too much at the thought of losing you forever, let alone having to see it happen."

"That is your choice," Fili spat, "I wanted the closest family I had to be there and share in my happiness, but all you can do is whine like a spoiled child who was denied a toy."

"Spoiled child?" I quavered as I backed away, "I'm done, Fili. I'm done. I have nothing more to give to you. Be happy always in your choices. I love you more than you will ever realize. Forgive my selfish ways."

It was agony to see my One regarding me with such livid eyes. I turned and fled then.

To be continued…


	6. Chapter 6

**Bite of Cold with Loss of Love**

This is an AU/Slash story. Interested, then read. If not your cup of tea then pass this story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing.

Chapter Six

"Don't be a child," Fili snapped making me start in surprise, "We were young fools who knew nothing of real love. You will understand when you find your One."

"I see," I icily retorted as I jerked my arm out of Fili's grip, "I already told you that I've tried my hardest for you, but I can't do this anymore. I can't go to your wedding. It hurts too much at the thought of losing you forever, let alone having to see it happen."

"That is your choice," Fili spat, "I wanted the closest family I had to be there and share in my happiness, but all you can do is whine like a spoiled child who was denied a toy."

"Spoiled child?" I quavered as I backed away, "I'm done, Fili. I'm done. I have nothing more to give to you. Be happy always in your choices. I love you more than you will ever realize. Forgive my selfish ways."

It was agony to see my One regarding me with such livid eyes. I turned and fled then. I ran back to my chambers and looked around wildly as a pain so fierce stole my breath away. I saw clothes that Fili and I had picked out together. I saw weapons that I had used to defend my One. Everywhere I looked I saw my Fili and knew that I couldn't hold on much longer. I had to leave Erebor. I couldn't stay here. After writing a quick note, I tore towards the stables and nearly knocked a tall figure down as I rounded a corner.

"Look at you," a familiar voice chuckled, "Grown you have."

I stared at the strange being in shocked recognition.

"You're Gandalf's friend," I gasped seeing the strange wizard that rode on a sled pulled by rabbits of all things, "Is Gandalf here?"

"Not yet, but coming," the wizard chirped as a bird peeked at me from his hat, "Radagast at your service. Gandalf stopped in the Shire to get the hobbit's gift for your brother. The Halfling is not able to come, but wanted to send his regards."

The Shire. Maybe…maybe that was the answer.

"Radagast, I need to ask you the greatest favor," I began as the wizard leaned in as if we were planning an adventure, "Is there any way that one of your eagles could fly me to the Shire? I would like to visit Bilbo while my brother is getting married. Staying here hurts too much."

"Hurts?" Radagast echoed in confusion as he looked down on my, "Hurts is not good. Oh dear. Dear, dear, dear. One of my eagles? Brown Feather is close, but leave on your own and all alone. My, my."

I needed this so bad. Radagast just had to agree to this for me. I couldn't last much longer here in Erebor.

"Please?" I begged as unwanted tears fell, "I just…I need to be away from here. Time is running out."

"Time? Time goes by so fast," the wizard mumbled as I wanted to shake him before he fixed me with a piercing look, "Come. Follow me. Brown Feather is close. Go get him for me, would you?"

I jumped as the bird in Radagast's hair flew off towards an opening that was carved into the top of Erebor. I followed the wizard up to the high balcony and we arrived as a very large eagle landed gracefully upon the railing.

"Up you go," Radagast ordered as he assisted me to climb onto the eagle's back and surprisingly handed me a pack that contained some food and water, "Brown Feather will take you to your friend. He is the fastest of his people. Brown Feather can get you to the Shire in a two day journey."

"Thank you," I acknowledged as I held onto the massive bird, "Don't tell my family about this until after the wedding."

"Tell them about what?" Radagast asked before stumbling away in what looked like a daze, "Large mountain. So many dwarves. How can it be lonely?"

The brown wizard was beyond strange. I gasped as the eagle took flight and glanced back to see my home falling away from behind me. This was for the best. I couldn't stay. The Freeze was too close. I rode and watched Middle-Earth pass by underneath me in awe. I had never seen the world from so high. I didn't sleep. I watched the stars and marveled at how their twinkle matched the spark in my One's eyes. I wanted to see everything to hold onto the memories.

"You see the world from a beautiful vantage point, Brown Feather," I murmured to the eagle I rode upon, "I wish Fili could see this. He would…he would have loved to see the world such as you get to see."

The thought of my One tore at me harshly. I was never more joyful to finally see the green lands of the Shire. Bilbo nearly fainted when the eagle plopped me down right in the middle of his garden.

"Kili?" Bilbo gasped as I stumbled and he rushed over and helped me gain my balance, "You are like ice!"

"I am so glad to see you, Friend," I gushed ignoring Bilbo's statements, "I hope you don't mind me visiting."

"Not at all," Bilbo supplied leading me inside his home, "But…but why aren't you in Erebor? I would have thought that you would be there with…."

"My brother?" I supplied as Bilbo nodded before the hobbit gasped as my legs gave out and I fell, dragging him with me, "I can't be there, Bilbo. I can't."

"What has happened?" Bilbo demanded as he assisted me back up looking very concerned, "You are freezing and…Kili, are you ill?"

"It's complicated," I sighed as the hobbit startled before nearly dragging me down the hall and tucking me into what had to be the guest bedroom.

It had been embarrassing that my hands were so numb from cold that Bilbo had to help me undress.

"Uncomplicate it," Bilbo urged as he pulled up a chair beside the bed I lie in, "Tell me everything."

I closed my eyes and spilled my guts for the first time since this whole mess started.

"So Fili really is your true love? Your dwarven One?" Bilbo hummed as I nodded, "But his One is Gwain?"

"Yes," I sighed, "In rare cases a dwarf's One loves another who is meant for him or her instead. The dwarf who is abandoned is literally shattered inside and out. The Freeze sets in for the Lost."

"You are a Lost?" Bilbo questioned as again I nodded, "What is this Freeze you speak of?"

"Losing your heart is agony, Bilbo," I whispered looking away, "When you become a Lost…you can no longer feel your One in your heart anymore. You can feel their emotions, but the warmth and affection is gone. A Lost then loses his or her ability to dream at night. You grow colder as heat flees your body. A Lost will eventually sleep and have his or her soul pulled into the darkness where he or she remains trapped within the Freeze of despair. The Lost's body grows cold like stone until it finally stops."

"Stops?" Bilbo gasped as he stood, "You mean dies! Kili, are you _dying_?"

"Yes," I affirmed as Bilbo looked at me with horror, "I have been ever since Fili accepted his love for Gwain and our bonding ended. I've come here to die as peacefully as possible away from eyes that will hurt from my passing. I don't want to ruin Fili's wedding, but my time is running out."

"No!" Bilbo denied, "Isn't there something I can do? Gandalf! Can't Gandalf help? He's a wizard and…."

Bilbo grew silent as I raised my hand.

"Bilbo, there is nothing that can be done for me by anyone," I admitted as the hobbit choked, "I'm sorry to burden you with this, but I had no other place to go."

"I…I am honored that you trusted me enough to come here," Bilbo sniffled before surprising me as he flung his arms around my neck, "This isn't fair! You fought so hard to restore Erebor! Why are you denied happiness?"

I had no answers as I huddled into my friend's embrace. Why, indeed? Bilbo cried and in his show of emotion my tears flowed too. I cried for my loss. I cried for my pain. I cried at my lost dreams of always being at Fili's side. I cried that a hobbit cared enough to hurt so much for me. I was dying, but at least I wasn't alone.

_Fili's Point of View:_

I was beyond angry. I was _livid_. How dare he do this to me?

"So the note doesn't say where he went?" I ground out as Thorin paced in front of me, "Why would he leave like this?"

"You know why," Oin snapped from his place leaning against Kili's mantel, "Your brother just couldn't stay and watch you leave him permanently. Kili didn't want to ruin your wedding. The lad's left for you."

"But where?" Thorin demanded as he paused, "Kili's pony is still here and no other mount is missing. There is no trail and this damn note doesn't even say when he will be back."

"He is pouting like a brat," I insisted as Oin hissed angrily, "He is. Kili is not getting his way so he ran off to pout. Why won't he just realize that once he find his One then he will be fine? My beard! Kili will be better than fine once his love is at his side."

I jumped when Oin growled angrily and stalked out of the room. I had no idea why the healer was acting this way.

"There is nothing we can do about this," Thorin snapped looking furious, "No trail means that we can only wait until your brother comes home on his own or word reaches us of his whereabouts so we can go get Kili. What possessed the boy to take off like this? Fili, I want the truth. Did you argue with Kili recently?"

"I did," I admitted as my uncle cursed, "Kili was fine and then all of a sudden he said he couldn't take it anymore and just couldn't go to my wedding. I got angry and kind of accused him of being…spoiled."

"Spoiled?" Thorin bit out, "Fili, how could you say something like that to your brother? You have always been his whole world and now that is changing. This is hard…."

"Everyone keeps saying that!" I interrupted in anger, "Do you all think I don't know that this has been hard on Kili? Does anybody realize that this has been hard on me as well knowing that Kili has been hurting because of me? Do you know what it is like to have half of Erebor mad at you because of finding your true One? I didn't set out to hurt Kili. He is my brother and I still love him very much. I am not the enemy!"

Thorin glare softened as he dropped into a chair, rubbing at his beard.

"I just want to be with my love," I whispered looking away, "I thought finding your One was supposed to be a time of joy."

"It is," Thorin agreed as I stilled and looked back at him, "But sometimes that happiness is at the expense of another and that other has been Kili. He is hurt and devastated right now. He tried everything he could to be there for you even at the expense of making himself ill. He'll come back in his own time."

"I want him here with me now," I sighed sadly, "This is all messed up."

"It is, but you are right in that Kili will find his One and understand someday," Thorin soothed, "For now, just concentrate on your wedding. This is supposed to be a time of joy for you and Kili said in the note that he didn't want his bad mood to tarnish your happiness. Kili meant well by leaving, but I'm going to tie a knot in his tail once I get a hold of that boy. I swear to Mahal!"

I walked sadly back to my chambers a little later. Gwain met me at the door and seemed concerned at the look on my face.

"Whatever is wrong?" Gwain asked as I dropped miserably into a chair.

"Kili ran away," I sighed as my One stiffened, "He just can't let go, Gwain. Why won't he just realize that his happiness will come in time when he meets his real One?"

"Prince Kili left?" Gwain questioned looking stunned, "Where?"

"I don't know," I admitted, "Left this half legible note saying he didn't want to ruin our wedding because he couldn't accept that I was moving on or something along those lines. Kili is driving me up the wall!"

"Be calm, Love," Gwain urged as I sighed and leaned against him as he sat beside me, "Soon we will be married and Kili will come back. Everything will work out."

"Promise?" I asked wanting that more than anything.

"I swear it will," Gwain agreed as I felt a little better.

"Kili is just so dramatic," I laughed feeling lighter, "Told me he loved me and that our bonding had been true for him. Silly, Kee. I couldn't be his One since I am yours and you are mine. He'll calm down and come home with his tail between his legs."

I looked at Gwain in concern since the look on his face seemed odd to me.

"Gwain?" I asked as my One blinked at me, "What is it?"

"I'm just sorry that Prince Kili is hurting," Gwain sighed making me fall all over again for this dwarf who was so very thoughtful and kind, "You must admit that he is surely trying to keep from ruining our wedding. He is young and brash and probably didn't think his actions through very well. The ceremony would have been a disaster for you with Kili looking upset."

"True," I hummed feeling tired as Gwain handed me a fresh cup of wine, "I'm still going to give Kee an earful when he returns."

I was saddened that Kili wasn't there with me, but I did enjoy all the traditional celebrations that led up to my wedding day. Gwain and I were beyond happy and soon enough if the day finally came for Thorin to marry me to my One.

"You look every bit the High Prince," Thorin complimented me after I had stepped out to meet him in my robes with my hair perfectly braided, "I wish your parents and brother could be here to see you."

"Me too," I breathed as my uncle adjusted the crown on my head a little, "Do you think that there is the possibility that Kili has shown up?"

"I asked our kin to inform me of that immediately," Thorin admitted as we walked towards the great hall, "Only Gandalf has shown up today. He sends Bilbo's well wishes and love."

"I am glad to hear from them both," I agreed feeling a bit strange as I paused.

"What is it?" Thorin asked as I blinked in confusion.

"I feel like I'm missing something," I said looking around, "Did I forget anything?"

"The ring?" Thorin asked as I shook my head and showed my gift for Gwain to him, "Getting cold feet?"

"No!" I chuckled shaking my head, "I guess I'm just nervous."

Thorin nodded and the two of us entered the hall as all in attendance bowed or dipped their heads in respect. I smiled as I walked up the aisle with my king as Gwain stood at the front of the room waiting for me, but as I drew nearer to my One something felt off. Wrong.

"Join hands," Thorin called out so all the guests could know that the ceremony was beginning, but as I went to take Gwain's hands, I couldn't.

My hands wouldn't cooperate with me. Nothing felt right. What was this?

"Fili?" Thorin asked as I staggered back for a moment while confusion and a strange fog filled my thoughts.

Everything felt wrong. What was going on? I heard the crowd murmuring around me, but my eyes suddenly went to the dwarf in front of me.

"Who are you?" I demanded as the other bowed his head and then I noticed it and I lunged pulling a blade from my sleeve.

To be continued…


	7. Chapter 7

**Bite of Cold with Loss of Love**

This is an AU/Slash story. Interested, then read. If not your cup of tea then pass this story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing.

Chapter Seven

"Join hands," Thorin called out so all the guests could know that the ceremony was beginning, but as I went to take Gwain's hands, I couldn't. My hands wouldn't cooperate with me. Nothing felt right. What was this?

"Fili?" Thorin asked as I staggered back for a moment while confusion and a strange fog filled my thoughts.

Everything felt wrong. What was going on? I heard the crowd murmuring around me, but my eyes suddenly went to the dwarf in front of me.

"Who are you?" I demanded as the other bowed his head and then I noticed it and I lunged pulling a blade from my sleeve.

Pandemonium broke out while I tackled the blond dwarf to the floor as my crown hit the floor and rolled away.

"Fili! What are you doing?!" Thorin yelled as he reached for me before freezing as I placed my dagger at the other dwarf's throat in livid rage.

"Who are you and why the _hell_ do you have my bonded's clasp in your hair?" I snarled as the room grew silent, "What is going _on_ here? Answer me!"

"I'm sorry," the other dwarf gasped around my dagger, "I'm Gwain. I can explain everything to you."

"Out of my way, Fools," Gandalf barked as he strode forward and jerked me to my feet, "Thorin, keep that creature in hand. Something foul is afloat here. I thought I sensed something was wrong from the beginning, but I was unsure."

I looked and saw Thorin and Balin drag Gwain to his feet before Gandalf pulled my head back around and stared into my eyes.

"Sorcery," Gandalf spat as I blinked, "Manipulations and dark doings have been made upon the High Prince."

"How so?" Thorin demanded as a furious-looking Dwalin took his place holding Gwain while my king strode forward angrily, "How is it that my nephew does not remember Gwain since the dwarf has been in Erebor for well over a year? This is their wedding day and he is Fili's One. What has been done to Fili?"

"My One? Wedding? To _him_?" I demanded in shock pointing at the blonde dwarf, "That dwarf is not my One, Kili is. Kili has _always_ been my One."

"Thank Mahal!" Oin yelled making everyone in the room jump as he raced forward, "You are also Kili's One and he needs you desperately. Praise Mahal's Blessings there may be a chance after all. There may be a chance!"

"A chance?" I questioned feeling nervous suddenly, "What are you talking about? Where is Kili? Why isn't he here and why can't I get my thoughts together?"

"Fili you've been under a spell," Gandalf insisted as I looked at him in shock before he placed his hand to my forehead and mumbled some words that helped the fog in my mind to clear, "That should help."

"What have you _done_?" I spat as I advanced on this Gwain, "Why can I not remember any of this? Tell me!"

Gwain nodded at Gloin and before I knew it the red-bearded dwarf had snatched a young maid from beside a dwarf that had to be Gwain's father as Bifur held a knife to the older dwarf's throat from behind.

"Unhand me! I am Bwain of Iron Hills and you have no right to treat me thus!" the dwarf yelled as Gloin allowed the young girl to run to Gwain, "You are a traitor son."

"It is you that is the traitor," Gwain snarled as he held the girl in his arms.

"I want some explanations _now_!" Thorin thundered as all grew quiet in the hall.

"My Lord," Gwain said as he bowed before me, "I never wanted this. My father threatened to kill my little sister if I did not slip you a potion each day in your wine. The potion made you believe that I was your One. I was to marry you so that my father could one day take over Erebor after the death of King Thorin as you were manipulated to do his bidding. I realized the day that Prince Kili left that I could not trade his life for mine or my sister's. I went to Gloin and asked for his help."

"The lad speaks the truth," Gloin insisted as Thorin and I listened even as dawning horror erupted from deep within me, "Confessed to the whole plot this morning and it took every bit of my willpower not to strike him down dead for what he was telling me. He's been slipping Fili the antidote for the potion since Kili left to set this all up to try and make things right. I only told Bifur so we could save Gwain's sister and keep Fili from making this mistake, but it has killed me to keep this to myself today."

"Bwain, you are a _dead_ dwarf! Take that filth away and lock him in the dungeons," Thorin ordered as Gwain's father was dragged off by guards while I processed what had been said and began to panic.

"What do you mean Kili left?" I gasped, "Oin said he needs me desperately. Where is he? Where is my One?"

"Don't know," Oin groaned, "But he must be found. Kili's been suffering from the Freeze. He's not well. That is what has been weakening him these last past few weeks. He made me swear not to say anything because he was trying to protect your happiness, Fili. Lad thought he was a Lost since that spell made you withdraw from your One's heart. Kili has been slowly dying and there was naught I could do to help him."

"Weakening? A Lost? Kili's _dying_?" I breathed in horror as I heard Thorin beginning to yell angrily at Oin, "No, no, no, no, no. Kili is my One. He isn't a Lost. He isn't. I won't let him die! I…I've got to find him!"

"Fili, we have no idea where he went," Thorin groaned looking nearly as frantic as I did, "Oin, do you know anything else?"

"No. Kili's disappearance was a shock to me as much as you," Oin claimed as I cursed.

"I know. I do," Gandalf's wizard friend spoke up as I whirled, "Rode with the wind on one of my friends."

"Radagast? Whatever are you speaking of?" Gandalf asked as I hurried forward.

"Boy said he hurt and wanted to go to the Shire," Radagast chirped as Thorin and I realized exactly who Kili had sought out as we exchanged looks with one another, "I let him ride one of the eagles."

"Of course," Thorin snorted, "That's how Kili left without a trail. He flew away on one of those birds. Kili's gone to seek out Bilbo. At least the boy is with a good friend that is trusted."

"I need to get to him now," I bit out in my stress when I began to realize that my link to my One was so very weakened from his end, "I can feel that Kili is sick and fading fast. Can you help me, Radagast?"

"Can. Can," the wizard agreed as he hurried away, "Come. I will call them. Go on, Love, get them for me?"

A small bird flew off towards the way that led outside of the mountain out from the wizard's beard. Gwain held out Kili's hair clip to me with a look of apology.

"This was _never_ yours," I spat snatching the clip from the dwarf's hand, "If my One dies because of your doings, I will kill you myself. I don't care if you were trying to protect your sister. What you did I can never forgive. My Kili has been suffering and you poisoned me with your sorcery so much that I wasn't there for my One. He must be in such pain right now and that is all your fault. You are lower than troll droppings!"

I tore after the brown wizard with Thorin following close behind without waiting to hear Gwain's response. Kili needed me. I had not time for anything else at the moment. Radagast already had two eagles waiting by the time that I reached the highest balcony of Erebor.

"You are in charge until I return, Balin," Thorin ordered as our closest kin reached the balcony as well, "Apologize to the wedding guests and pray to Mahal above that we reach Kili in time."

"Trust in us," Balin urged as I scrambled upon the bird while Thorin handed our cousin his crown, "Just bring the lad home safe and sound."

I didn't speak. I didn't check to see if Thorin was following. I just kicked the damn bird to get him going. I could distantly feel Kili's pain within me and I couldn't seem to reach out to soothe his heart due to a cold wall. My One was fading fast and all I could do was pray that the eagle could fly as swiftly as possible. Day one filled me with fear. Day two, terror.

"Bilbo! Bilbo!" I shrieked as I pounded on the door of Bag End, "Open this door!"

"Fili?" Bilbo asked as I pushed past him once the door was unlocked.

"Where is he?" I demanded as I turned and noticed how worn Bilbo looked, "Where is Kili?"

"In there and he…," Bilbo began as Thorin rushed in, but I took off towards my brother's whereabouts without hearing the hobbit out.

The room was overly hot due to a roaring fire. Obviously Bilbo had been trying to keep the Freeze away by trying to warm up the ailing dwarf. Kili lie completely still in a bed covered with several layers of blankets.

"No. Oh, no," I moaned as I laid eyes upon my One, "Kili? Kili!"

I rushed over and lifted my limp lover into my arms. Kili was white as a ghost with the only color in his face being his dark eyelashes. My One was freezing and absolutely still. He had slipped under the Freeze's pull. Thorin looked stricken as I panicked at how limp Kili felt in my arms.

"No," I moaned again supporting my One's head as his long hair trailed over my arm, "Kili? Love, can you hear me? I'm here, Kili. I never left you. I was under a spell. I never ever loved that dwarf. I have and will only love my Kee. Wake up for me. Come on, Beloved. Open your eyes. I'm here. I'm right here. You're so cold. Mahal _help_ me. You are so thin. Oh, Kili."

I gripped Kili's hands and frantically tried to use my own breathe to warm up those freezing fingers of his. This was all wrong. This should never have happened.

"When did he slip under?" I heard Thorin ask as I looked up to see Bilbo's face while I rubbed my hand briskly up and down one of Kili's arms to try and warm him up.

"Two days ago," Bilbo sighed as I cursed and hugged Kili closer to try and share my body heat, "Told me all about being a Lost and coming here to pass away."

"Kili's not going to die," I snapped hotly before calming, "I'm sorry, Bilbo. That was out of line for me to bite at you."

"No. It's fine. Tell me about this spell that you just spoke of," Bilbo instructed and I heard Thorin begin to explain what had happened since Kili's disappearance.

"Wake up," I whispered as tears fell unheeded down my cheeks as I rocked Kili in my arms and placed a kissed to his temple, "You are not a Lost, Kee. You are my One. Come back to me."

I continued to try and talk to Kili to urge him to wake, but there was no movement. There was no sound. There was no warmth and I swear to Mahal within His Halls that I could see Kili's breath at times blowing out like winter smoke. I was losing my One.

"He's so thin," I whimpered as I felt Thorin grip my shoulder, "Look at him. Kili's so sick. This is all my fault."

"Not your fault," Thorin denied looking angry and then sad, "Not really Gwain's fault either. Would you have handled anything differently if I had put you in the situation of having to choose doing something you hated versus protecting Kili?"

"I would have done what was needed to protect Kee," I agreed as I stroked my One's hair, "I can't lose Kili. I just can't."

"The Freeze is so rare among our people," Thorin hissed as I whimpered again, "I wish I knew more. If there was just some way to get Kili to hear you."

"And that is where I come in which is why I followed you on a third eagle," Gandalf called as he entered the room making all of us jump except Bilbo who looked intrigued, "Lay Kili back down, Fili."

"Why?" I asked as I gently laid Kili back on his pillow.

"You will need to lay beside him," Gandalf instructed a I settled next to Kee, "I can sense that the lad is deep into this Freeze, but I can help you get as close as possible to try and bring him back. Kili is very fragile in spirit right now so be swift."

"Will Fili be safe?" Thorin hissed.

"I don't know, but it is the only way," Gandalf admitted as Thorin and Bilbo looked panicked, "Kili is leaving as we speak. He won't survive the night."

"Do it!" I ordered angrily, "I won't survive losing Kili either so at least this is a shot for us both. Without Kili, I too will become a Lost. Hurry up!"

_Thorin's Point of View:_

I watched as Gandalf began murmuring in a dialect that I was not familiar with as Fili cradled Kili close beside him. Fili's eyes caught mine for a moment with a determined look before drifting shut and he went as still as Kili.

"Blasted wizard better know what he's doing," I bit out in anxiety as Gandalf went still as well and all I could do was wait and pray.

"I think he does," Bilbo soothed as I grumbled, "Looks like you two must have come straight from the wedding."

I looked down at my dress robes and groaned. Neither Fili nor I had taken any time to change clothes. Not when Kili's life was on the line.

"I'm sorry that we barged in like this," I sighed watching my two nephews for any sign of movement.

"Nothing's changed with your folk," Bilbo joked as I glanced up and he gave me a wink, "It's a dwarf thing that I've gotten used to by now."

I snorted remembering back to my first time in Bag End.

"Would you like some tea?" Bilbo asked and pulled up a chair for me to be near my nephews.

"I would," I agreed sitting and feeling pretty useless, "Kili…how bad has it been?"

"Bad," Bilbo shuddered as I cursed softly, "Lad was pretty far gone by the time he made it here. I tried…it hurt so bad to see him suffering. I couldn't keep him warm."

"Not your fault," I assured while Bilbo's hands paused in pouring the tea from the kettle that had been hanging in the fire for a moment, "Gwain had everyone fooled that he was Fili's One. Poor Kili must have been torn into pieces inside. I kept reassuring the boy that everything would be fine once he found his One, but…but he already had and I didn't know it. Kili hid the severity of his pain well."

"Kili was trying to protect his family," Bilbo murmured sadly, "He enjoyed telling me stories of the happenings in Erebor. It hurt to watch as he choked the words out between his shivers, but he wanted me to know everything. Told me that he got to see Erebor rise as a powerful kingdom again and that was enough for him. Broke my heart that he requested to be buried beneath a maple tree since that was Fili's favorite tree and maybe it would soothe his brother when Fili finally came to visit his grave. Poor lad, to have even had to think about such things."

I choked at the thought of arriving in the Shire to find a grave instead of my living nephew. I had buried most of my family, I couldn't bury Kili too.

"It's not over yet," I blurted, "Fili will never give up on Kili. We just have to have faith that Kili can respond to Fili and the child is not too far gone."

To be continued…


	8. Chapter 8

**Bite of Cold with Loss of Love**

This is an AU/Slash story. Interested, then read. If not your cup of tea then pass this story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing.

Chapter Eight

"Kili was trying to protect his family," Bilbo murmured sadly, "He enjoyed telling me stories of the happenings in Erebor. It hurt to watch as he choked the words out between his shivers, but he wanted me to know everything. Told me that he got to see Erebor rise as a powerful kingdom again and that was enough for him. Broke my heart that he requested to be buried beneath a maple tree since that was Fili's favorite tree and maybe it would soothe his brother when Fili finally came to visit his grave. Poor lad, to have even had to think about such things."

I choked at the thought of arriving in the Shire to find a grave instead of my living nephew. I had buried most of my family, I couldn't bury Kili too.

"It's not over yet," I blurted, "Fili will never give up on Kili. We just have to have faith that Kili can respond to Fili and the child is not too far gone."

_Kili's Point of View:_

I looked around at the darkness that I had become so used to seeing ever since my One had left me. Each day…each time I slept this was what I fell into. A place of inky darkness that was cold and horrifying to be pulled into. This was the Freeze of Despair. I wanted it not, but it wanted me and there was no more choice in the matter. It was time. I felt it. I had held on as long as I could.

"I was wrong, Oin," I sighed to myself, "I didn't have as long as I thought I did. I guess my strength levels just couldn't hold out with me losing Fili. I'm sorry, Cousin. I didn't mean to lie to you. Please remember me in fondness."

Sadly, I thought of my family, kin, and friends. I hadn't been able to tell them goodbye. My heart ached at that, but Bilbo had assisted me in writing a letter that they could read which held all my farewells. Bilbo had been so kind to me in the end. He had cared for me as if I was his kin. I guess I was in a way. I was as much his nephew as I was too Thorin. I certainly thought of him as an Uncle to look up to.

"Thorin. Uncle. My king, I never got to tell you how proud I was to be your nephew," Kili moaned to himself, "Standing by your side to defend Erebor was one of my greatest honors. Forgive me that I can no longer do my duty as is befitting our line. Take care of my Fee. He will be sad at my passing. Make sure Gwain cares well for my One."

A freezing wind hit me hard and I shuddered. The pull was growing much stronger now. I couldn't fight this any longer. I hated to leave, but I hated the pain I was in even more so. There was nothing more to be done.

"Cold," I murmured shivering as I looked around in the dark, "Will it always be cold like this, I wonder? Will I always hurt like this? I hope for rest now. I've done right by my One. Mahal, please give me some peace."

I was so tired. I was also ready. My One was married by now and happy with Gwain. I could let go now. Sighing, I felt the darkness wrap around me and I was pulled forward. The tendrils of darkness burned like ice and nearly took my breath away.

"I have nothing left to hold on for," I stated aloud as I closed my eyes only to grunt in surprise as my arm was grabbed and the movement towards the blackest part of the Freeze stopped, "What? How?"

"You sure as hell have _plenty_ to hold on for," a familiar voice barked as my eyes snapped open and I looked to see Fili holding onto me tight as he fought my slide into the Freeze, "Don't you _dare_ leave me, Kee."

There he stood. My golden One. Light seemed to shine from his very skin as he clung to me tight. This wasn't right. Fili should be with Gwain and not here in this dark coldness. Was this an illusion sent to torment me? No. I knew this grip. I knew that look of determination on my One's face. This was Fili without a doubt.

"How are you…get out of here!" I gasped trying to pull away, "You'll be pulled with me. I'm okay with this, Fee."

"I'm not okay with this and I will _never_ let go," Fili hissed as he dug his heels in and refused to relinquish his hold, "I will not lose my One!"

I froze at that statement. His One? What the hell? Maybe this was a dream after all. Fili had left my heart. I certainly was not his One no matter how much I wished I was. There was nothing in my research that told of the Freeze being cruel.

"Your One?" I questioned as I continued to try and pry Fili's fingers from my arm, "Fee, Gwain is your…."

"That lying, scheming, _orc_ of a dwarf is not my One. You are my One, Kee," Fili interrupted as he snarled angrily while I froze in shock, "I was under a spell. My actions, my behaviors, none of those were my own. I'm so sorry, Beloved, I never meant to leave you. Don't leave me. I love you and only you."

What? None of this could be true, but the grip on my arm told me different. Fili was not letting go and I felt his warmth. This was my One, but how could this possibly be true? Fili had left my heart. The pain of that had been excruciating, but Fee mentioned a spell. Could it really be true his words? Could Fili really still love me?

"A spell?" I echoed in confusion before grunting as the darkness jerked me further into its clutch.

"Orc Spawn poisoned me with a potion he put in my wine each day to convince my mind that he was my One," Fili bit out as he pulled me firmly towards him, "It was this spell that closed off my heart to you. You are not a Lost, Kee. You are my One and I will not lose you to the Freeze. I won't. I love you more than anything in this world or beyond. I will not lose you. I won't, Kee. I need you so very much."

Hope flared to life within me. Fili still loved me? I cried out in pain as I was jerked back again into the biting cold.

"No!" Fili screamed as he was dragged forward before he began backing up inch by inch, "Kili, I won't lose you. Help me bring you back home. I love you so much. I can't let the Freeze have you. Fight this, Kee."

"I don't think I _can_ fight this," I groaned as the icy darkness around me numbed all feeling in my body, "I thought I had lost you, Fee. It hurt so bad and I tried so hard to be strong, but I just couldn't fight the pain anymore. I gave up. I have no strength left."

"I have plenty to spare," Fili declared as he pulled me forward, "I won't allow this. I know you're fragile right now so I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to make the cold go away. I'm going to make the pain go away. I won't lose my world."

"I'm your world?" I questioned as tears fell and Fili leaned and kissed my forehead.

The kiss felt so warm and so gentle like my One's kisses always felt like when he was declaring his love for me. The nostalgia was so strong and I yearned for more, but the tendrils of darkness tightened their hold making me cry out in pain once again.

"Kili!" Fili cried straining against the pull on me, "No!"

"I've missed you so much, Fili," I choked out, "I missed feeling you deep in my heart. It hurt so bad to lose you."

"I was never lost," Fili groaned as he tried to fight the darkness' pull, "I had been taken from you without either of our permission. Fight this, Beloved. Help me get you home."

"I can't. I'm so tired," I sobbed as I shuddered, "I'm cold, Fee, I'm so cold. I've not been warm since you disappeared from my heart. I've tried so hard to be strong to protect your happiness, but I have nothing left to keep me going. I'm so sorry."

I was telling the truth. I was exhausted and even standing was growing to be too much. The pull from the Freeze was too strong.

"No," Fili whimpered as I began to slip back steadily, "I can't lose you, Kee. No! Hold on! No! I'm not letting you leave! The Freeze can't have you!"

I watched with hooded eyes as Fili desperately tried to keep a hold of me, but the tendrils of darkness that held me were winning this battle. My One held me firm and refused to let go as I hung limp in both the Freeze's grip and Fili's. The cold surrounded us both and I ached in its grasp. I just prayed that this horrible Freeze was not hurting Fili. I didn't want that.

_Thorin's Point of View:_

It was horrifying to watch my two nephews. Kili was already pale as a ghost and now Fili's color in his face was fading with each passing second. More horrifying was the fact that both of my boys' breath was smoking with each exhale as if the two were walking around in the dead of winter. I cursed angrily as I stood to pace fretfully

"What is happening?" Bilbo questioned wringing his hands together, "Why is their breath coming out as if the two are in a snow storm?"

"The Freeze is now affecting them both," I bit out, "My people know very little about the Freeze of Despair. A Lost is very rare. Obviously, Fili has reached his brother, but…but I don't know if he is able to fight what the Freeze is doing to Kili."

"What does that mean for Fili?" Bilbo groaned as I frowned.

"Bilbo, if Kili dies then so too does Fili," I breathed as the horror of my statement tore at me, "A dwarf does not survive losing their One. Fili will become a Lost and drift into the Freeze too. There is naught to be done about that."

"No, no," Bilbo denied, "Fili and Kili can't die. They've fought so hard and so bravely for so long. The two deserve the happiness of being together."

"I know that!" I roared in my sorrow and feelings of helplessness, "This was not supposed to happen! My nephews were supposed to always be at one another's side! I had not believed when they were younger that the two were the others One, but then after the quest, I was sure they were. I will kill both Gwain and his father if I lose my nephews!"

I shuddered and then startled at the soothing hand on my arm. Bilbo looked at me with the same face I knew I had. We were hurting for the two lads that lay suffering on the bed. This was wrong. All of this was wrong.

"I can't lose them," I whimpered looking to my boys, "They are the last of my sister. They are my heirs. Mahal, please don't make me lose them."

"I won't believe that Fili will allow Kili to leave," Bilbo blurted suddenly as I looked up, "Fili fights his hardest when it comes to Kili. I will believe in him. Fili will bring Kili back to us. He won't give up on his One."

Bilbo was right. Hope was not lost yet.

"I will believe in Fili too," I decided, "I will have faith that Fili can bring his One home. You are correct. Fili never gives up on Kili."

_Kili's Point of View:_

The cold hurt so badly. The pain was like being stabbed with icy knives. I hated this. My One was here fighting for me, but it was too late. I was lost and there was nothing I or Fili could do.

"You need to go back," I sighed having little energy to raise my voice, "Fili, please tell Thorin that I love him. Tell all our kin and friends how much I will miss them and that I love them as well. I can't go back with you. I want to, but I can't."

"I won't tell anyone anything because you are not leaving," Fili denied, "I need you, Kee. I can't lose you. Fight this for me. I love you, Kili."

"Love you too, but I can't fight this," I breathed feeling numb, "I have to leave now, Fee. I have no energy left. Go back and be safe."

Fili choked as I let my head fall to my chest. I was so worn. I hated to leave Fili, but what more could I do?

"I won't go back without you," Fili wailed suddenly making my head snap up and look at him in horror, "If you go, then I'm coming with you. I won't leave you to suffer the Freeze alone. We go or stay together. Period."

I gasped as Fili allowed himself to be dragged with me towards the dark as he locked eyes with me. He'd give himself up for me? Mahal! Fili _would_ give himself up for me! My golden dwarf would leave this world to stay with me no matter the costs to himself. The fear for my One's safety dredged up strength that I didn't know I still had anymore.

"No!" I yelled as I planted my feet firmly and angrily pulled at the tendrils that held me, "I won't let you die, Fee!"

"And I won't let you," Fili hissed as we worked together to move a few inches from the darkness, "I love you, you Fool. I never stopped. I never will."

"I love you too," I whispered as I gathered the last of my strength and jerked both of us forward a few feet, "I've missed you so much."

"When we get home I'm going to skin that Gwain alive," Fili snapped as we continued our struggles, "Come on, Kee. Hold on to me tight. I'm taking you home with me where you belong. I am never leaving you again."

I wrapped my arms around Fili, but I couldn't draw free of the pull. The Freeze was beginning to affect my One as well. Fili's robes were frosting and icing in places as his breath smoked as he spoke. I could also see the strain on my One's face. The cold was hurting Fili, but he refused to relinquish his hold on me. I had to make a choice.

"Live for me," I begged as Fili's eyes widened before I pushed him away hard enough to throw him from the darkness, "Go and remember that I have always loved you more than anything. Live for me, Fee."

"No!" Fili howled as he bolted forward and snatched one of my hands to pull me back into his arms, "I'll never leave you to suffer alone in anything. I won't live for you because I _can't_ live without you."

"You must go," I urged, "You must live and rule beside our king. You can't die. I can't be the reason you leave."

"_I_ am the reason I will leave," Fili snapped, "I will leave because my heart can only reside where you are. I do not mince words, Kee. You are my world. You are my everything. You are the reason I can be who I am. I need you. I will not live without you."

"You must," I begged, "Live for me."

"I can't," Fili wept as tears fell, "My heart didn't start beating until I first held you in my arms as a babe. You are mine. I go with you."

I gasped as Fili wrapped himself firmly around me. He was so warm. I leaned desperately into the embrace as the warmth spread and soothed my aching heart, but the darkness was swallowing the two of us second by second. We were both going to die now and the thought that I was dragging my One down made my heart hurt worse than ever.

"I'm so sorry," I sobbed into my One's chest, "I'm so sorry, Fee. I didn't want this for you. I only wanted your happiness. I tried so hard to protect you."

"I know," Fili soothed, "I am happy being here with you. That is enough for me. There is nothing to forgive. We will leave together."

To be continued…


	9. Chapter 9

**Bite of Cold with Loss of Love**

This is an AU/Slash story. Interested, then read. If not your cup of tea then pass this story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing.

Chapter Nine

_Kili's Point of View:_

I gasped as Fili wrapped himself firmly around me. He was so warm. I leaned desperately into the embrace as the warmth spread and soothed my aching heart, but the darkness was swallowing the two of us second by second. We were both going to die now and the thought that I was dragging my One down made my heart hurt worse than ever.

"I'm so sorry," I sobbed into my One's chest, "I'm so sorry, Fee. I didn't want this for you. I only wanted your happiness. I tried so hard to protect you."

"I know," Fili soothed, "I am happy being here with you. That is enough for me. There is nothing to forgive. We will leave together."

"Not yet, Boys," a familiar voice chirped as I stiffened and looked up to see my mother staring back at me.

"Mother?" I breathed in wonder as she held to Fili and I tight.

"That's right, Sweetheart," Dis grinned out, "Got them?"

"Damn straight," another voice agreed as Fili and I looked behind us to see a golden-haired dwarf with Fili's looks firmly holding the Freeze back as his hands ripped the tendrils of darkness away from me, "I'm so proud of you two. We've got you."

"Father?" Fili asked in awe as I drank in the face of a parent that I didn't even remember.

"We've got you," Father said again reaching and stroking each of our cheeks before Fili and I both gasped as our mother and father worked together and hurled the two of us out of the darkness so fast that I knew no more.

"Kili. Kili, wake up. Wake up. Come on, Kee. We're safe. Everything is going to be okay. I need you to wake up for me, Kee."

I hummed tiredly as the voice continued to urge me to wake. I was warm for a change and didn't want to move. For the first time in a long time there was no pain and there was no cold and it felt glorious.

"A sound! He made a sound. Is Kili waking? It's been nearly a day since you woke, what is taking Kili so long?"

A different voice? Who? An inkling of memory tugged at me. A hobbit that was dear to me. Bilbo. So the first voice was….

"Fee!" I whispered urgently coming awake suddenly and looking around anxiously before my One grabbed my face and forced me to look up at him, "You look _awful_."

"I do?" Fili chuckled as tears leaked down his cheeks, "I guess having to save your arse has cost me my dignity."

I wrapped my clumsy fingers around one of the hands that held my face. Fili still looked stunningly beautiful to me even with his braids and hair so wild and untamed. I hated not having the energy to reach for Fili.

"Kili, I'm so glad to see you awake. I thought we had lost you. I've been so worried," Bilbo gushed while I spared him a grin before looking back up in awe at my One as Fili seemed to read my mind and gathered me in his arms.

"You're _really_ here," I whispered as tears fell from my eyes as I was cradled gently, "Then it wasn't a dream as I feared it might be. You came for me."

"I'd _always_ come for you," Fili soothed as I sniffled feeling foolish, but not really caring, "I can't live without you. I never have since the day you were born and I glimpsed your eyes for the first time. You are my One, Kee, just as I am yours. Never doubt that."

I enjoyed the lips that covered my own as my One leaned and kissed me sweetly. I didn't care who was watching. This was real. This was my Fili returned to me. Mahal had delivered me a blessing that I hadn't even _hoped_ to pray for.

"Enough," I heard Thorin hiss as Fili leaned up grinning and settled me against some pillows that Bilbo was pilling up, "Let me see him before he is ravished."

I smirked as Thorin came into my line of sight while my One stepped aside, but still kept a strong grip on one of my hands. My uncle looked relieved, but also very angry. I knew my king had every right to be livid. I had lied to him again and again since this whole mess had begun.

"Do you know what a fright you gave us?" Thorin snapped as I grew still, "Why didn't you tell me that Fili was your One? I would have…."

Yep. I knew it. If I had told the truth then Thorin would have intervened, but it would have all been for naught if there hadn't really been a spell. I still did not regret my decisions. I would have protected Fili's happiness to my own end. Period.

"Forced Fili's hand if Gwain had really been my brother's One?" I interrupted as Thorin scowled, "I wouldn't have allowed anyone to destroy what I thought was Fili's path to happiness. I…I love Fee enough to set him free when I thought I wasn't his One."

"Stupid, overly loyal dwarf," Fili gasped as I looked over at him as he swiped a hand across his eyes, "Maybe if you had said something, then Thorin could have discovered the sorcery that was placed on me sooner so you wouldn't have been in pain for so long."

"He wouldn't have," Gandalf interrupted from the door, "Only a Maia would have sensed the potion's effects on your soul, Fili. If what your uncle told me was true, then Kili knew that his end was coming and he hid it well to protect your future. It is good that Gwain had a change of heart because I like this outcome better. The past is the past. Let's go forward."

Fili's eyes burned as he glanced back at me and nodded. I was warm now, but I had no strength and felt miserable. It was like I was recovering from a really bad illness or injury, but I was beginning to feel Fili within my heart again and that was a feeling of such…there were not words in the world to describe this feeling.

"Still skinning that orc spawn for what he did to my Kee," Fili muttered as he covered me tenderly with another blanket as I continued to marvel that he was really here, "I'm making both of us new ones!"

I blinked at Fee's words. I didn't understand until Fili snatched his hair clip from his hair and laid it beside the one that had once been mine on the bedside table. Somehow Fili had gotten the clip back from Gwain.

"I _refuse_ to allow you to wear something that has been contaminated by that _filth_," Fili groused as he smoothed my hair on my right side and quickly braided my bonding braid back into my hair beside my ear, "Thorin, get this disgusting braid out of my hair now and please redo the proper style until Kili can do it on his own again. How dare that…_orc_ place his braid in my hair. Disgusting. Can't believe that you had to take this out, Kee. I'll kill him!"

My breath quivered as I felt my One's fingers working the familiar braid back where it had laid for years. Such a small thing, a braid, but I missed the weight of my bonding plait as much as I would have missed a limb. Thorin smiled at me gently as he did what Fili asked him to do. I knew my uncle understood my feeling in this moment. He knew.

"There. That's better," Fili hummed as he finished and stroked my cheek, "Now no one can question that you are taken. You are mine."

I leaned into the hand on my cheek as my heart warmed even more. The absence of pain was hard to explain. It was like…coming home. However, there was one problem that even Bilbo had accused me of when I arrived in the Shire.

"You smell like bird droppings," I teased as Fili laughed lightly, "Bilbo, can Fee take a bath? I can't rest with his stench."

"I am so glad you said that," Bilbo chuckled as he nodded, "There is one drawback to traveling by eagle. They leave an odor. Thorin and Gandalf have already had their bathes."

"Bilbo forced me," Gandalf groused, "Seeing you awake and free of pain is worth having to try to bathe in a hobbit's tub."

I smiled at the image of the tall wizard trying to use Bilbo's bathing chamber. The hobbit had helped me sponge bathe after I had arrived. It had been necessary and embarrassing all at the same time, but I smelled just as bad as my One did now at that time.

"I don't want to leave you even though I can finally feel our hearts opening to one another again," Fili denied as I sighed blissfully at being able to sense my lover's affection for me as I used to be able to do, "You just woke up. I want to be here with you."

"You are here again," I soothed as I placed a hand over my heart, "Missed you being here so much, but go bathe. You smell _horrible_."

Fili had to be dragged off by Bilbo and Gandalf. I wasn't surprised to be pulled into Thorin's arms and hugged tightly once we were alone. There were no words for quite a bit of time. I think that Thorin just needed to feel me close for the moment. I felt protected like Uncle always made me feel when I was a child. I was nearly lulled back to sleep when he finally spoke.

"Don't you _ever_ keep secrets from me again," Thorin ordered as I nodded, "It was excruciating to arrive here and see you suffering as badly as you were. This was too close, Kili. You came so close to dying."

"I didn't die. My One came for me," I murmured sleepily, "Fili loves me, Uncle. I want to marry him. I'm tired of waiting. You and Mother made us wait because at the time you two didn't believe we were one another's Ones, but we are and now you know that too. Won't you let us plan our wedding finally?"

"Yes!" Fili squealed as he leapt on the bed with his hair still wet from his bath in a show of emotion that was rare to see in my calmer brother, "You must allow us this after all Kili's suffering. I'll marry my One right now."

"Not until Kili is well," Thorin laughed as my One nuzzled against my temple looking silly in one of Bilbo's too short nightshirts, "But I do believe a marriage ceremony will be in order once we return to Erebor. You two have my blessing. Traditions be damned. There is no doubt that you two were born with shared souls."

I was elated, but a wide yawn made me aware of just how tired I really was.

"Sleep," Fili whispered as he and Thorin tucked me back into bed.

"Don't leave me," I breathed as my eyes began to close on their own, "Stay."

"Always," Fili hummed as his arms circled me as I drifted to sleep and found myself dreaming for the first time in a long time.

I dreamed of my soon to be wedding.

_Fili's Point of View:_

My One was extremely frail and alarmingly thin. The Freeze had left him as weak as a kitten with very little appetite. Kili admitted to not having eaten hardly anything since his suffering had made everything come back up at nearly every meal.

"That was why you kept throwing up," I gasped as my One sighed and nodded, "Well that is over with and now we've got to help you gain your weight back."

"I just don't feel that hungry anymore," Kili breathed, "Oin told me that was because I was losing energy from the drain of the Freeze, but without eating the Freeze was draining me faster. It was a vicious cycle I couldn't break away from."

"You've got me now," I sniffed thinking highly uncharitable thoughts of Gwain, "We'll work on getting your appetite back together."

I fretted terribly when my One tried to eat for me and could hardly get a few bites down. Thorin was kind enough to make a pot of Mother's applesauce at my request. When Kee had been small and ill that was the only food that we could get him to eat since he loved applesauce more than anything. If I could just get the ball rolling with Kili then he would see that eating would help him strengthen.

"Come on. Open up," I cooed as Kili looked up at me in amusement as I blew on the spoon of warm sauce, "Try this for me."

Kili obediently allowed me to spoon some of the applesauce into his mouth and I delighted at the light that sparkled in my One's eyes.

"That's good," Kee whispered as I fed him another spoonful, "Tastes just like Mother's. Fee?"

"Yes?" I answered as I continued to feed my ailing lover.

"Was that really Mother and Father that saved us from the Freeze?" Kili asked me as I smiled at the memory.

"Sure was," I agreed, "They are still with us, Kee."

"I didn't remember Father's face since I was just a tot when he died," Kili sighed as I nodded understanding, "You look just like him, Fee."

"I've been told that a lot," I admitted as I got a little more food into Kee, "Thorin and Mother always said that you looked a lot like Uncle Frerin. We are two of a kind you and me."

Kili blinked up at me in wonder and smiled. I would have missed that smile so much if I had lost my One. Damn Gwain! Placing Kili's life in danger like this was unforgiveable.

"Eat a little more," I insisted as Kili turned away from the spoon.

"Full," Kili mumbled as I sighed at how much my One's stomach had shrunken during his time of suffering.

"Two more bites," I ordered as Kili looked up at me as I got another spoonful of food into him, "Each time you eat, you will have two more bites after you are full. That way we can stretch your stomach a little further each time until your regular appetite is back."

"Okay," Kee agreed and accepted the last bite without a fuss, "Where are Thorin, Gandalf, and Bilbo?"

"Off on a walk," I hummed as I set the bowl aside before pausing as Kili got a familiar look in his eyes, "Not now. You are not well."

"Now," Kili begged, "So long since last time. Want you."

My breath hitched as I crawled upon the bed and leaned to kiss Kili deeply. I lavished in the feel of my One as I rocked gently within him some time later. Kili's pants and mews of pleasure were music to my ears as I reaffirmed our bond. Kili was mine and I was his, but it felt like I was holding onto a fragile piece of glass at how light my love felt in my arms. I wanted desperately to get my One home to be looked after by a dwarven healer.

"Sleeping?" Thorin asked from the doorway about an hour later and I was glad that I had been able to cleanse my lover and I before his arrival to hide our private activities.

"Deeply," I agreed as I continued to stroke my One's hair as he lie pressed up against me, "How long before we can take Kili home? I think he would recover better in Erebor with Oin looking after him."

"I'm not sure," Thorin hummed thinking, "Kili doesn't really have an illness per se so we don't have to be concerned about that, but I am fearful that his system is so weakened that a chill from riding one of those birds will make him catch something. He is weak now and a good cold could lead to a serious illness that he will have no strength to fight."

"I think that if you wrap him up in several layers then he will be fine," Gandalf offered from the hallway, "I agree that Kili needs to be home. He would be more comfortable there."

"You are perfectly welcome to stay as long as you need," Bilbo began, "But I agree with Fili and Gandalf. Kili needs to be home with his One in his own room where he would feel the most comfortable. A hobbit hole is not the same as the comfort and security that you dwarves feel in Erebor. Kili needs to go home with his One by his side."

"Then we will leave tomorrow," Thorin agreed.

To be continued…


	10. Chapter 10

**Bite of Cold with Loss of Love**

This is an AU/Slash story. Interested, then read. If not your cup of tea then pass this story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing.

Chapter Ten

Kili was very happy that we were traveling home and thanked Bilbo again and again for allowing him to stay and apologized for putting the hobbit through so much. Bilbo laughed off everything and let us know that he would certainly be there for our wedding.

"I feel ridiculous," Kili whined as Thorin and I wrapped him up like a baby, "Why so many layers? I'm too hot."

"You won't be up in the air," Thorin cautioned as my One stilled, "You cannot catch a chill, Kili, your system can't handle that right now."

I was irritated that even with all the wrappings around Kili that I could still tell that he was grossly underweight.

"We'll get home quickly so that you can rest in our bed," I instructed before catching Kili's wince, "What?"

"I had to move out of our chambers, Fee," Kili explained as I froze, "You moved Gwain in with you after we broke up. Do you not remember?"

Rage tore through me, but I hid it well.

"I don't remember at all thanks to that damn potion. Plus, we didn't break up. I was stolen," I bit out as Kili nodded while I pulled his hood up and lifted him into my arms to walk out to the eagles, "Disgusting. I don't want anything that was touched by that creature. I'll just move in with you."

I smiled as my One beamed happily. I hated that he was so light and that he could barely sit up without support, but I loved that he was happy again. The rest would get better with time. I would make sure of that.

"Hi, Brown Feather," Kili chirped as the largest eagle looked down on us with a sense of understanding in his eyes, "I am so glad to see you again and under such better circumstances. This is my One and he came for me."

"I sure did," I agreed as the eagle was kind enough to stretch himself as flat as possible to help me ease Kili up on his back, "Thank you, Brown Feather."

Soon enough, we were in the air with a packed bag of food to help us reach Erebor. I held Kili close, fearing that the wind would blow him away. Kili laughed as we heard Thorin cursing at Gandalf on the other eagle for a moment. Those two still didn't get along well. This time I was able to enjoy the ride with the weight of my mate in my arms. I kept a blanket over Kili's face most of the time to keep the wind away from him and in the cocoon of blankets my One slept deeply.

"It's them," I heard Dwalin shouting two days later when we finally arrived home, "They're back."

Thorin leapt down onto the balcony and gently accepted Kili's weight into his arms as I slid down looking like a refugee with torn, dress robes. Gandalf slid off the eagle with an ease that made me jealous. Our kin and friends ran straight at us looking concerned.

"Is he okay?" Oin demanded pushing forward and then stilling as I lifted the blanket back and allowed the healer to see my One's peaceful, sleeping face, "Praise Mahal. It was so hard seeing the lad suffer and not being able to do anything for him, but help him numb the pain for a few moments. He looks so much better."

"It was so close, Oin," Thorin whispered as I took Kili from his arms, "The Freeze is something I never wish to see again."

"Kili needs to be put to bed. It will be some time before he recovers from the Freeze," I quietly spoke, "My memories are muddled because of the orc spawn. Someone show me to Kili's chambers, if you would please. I don't want my One near the rooms that Gwain touched."

"Understood," Dwalin agreed, "This way."

I followed and hid a snicker as the tall dwarf grumbled the whole way muttering things like "knew Fili would never act this way to his lad" and "skin that dwarf alive for causing this strife." Thorin hurried ahead to get a fire lit in Kili's room so he wouldn't catch a chill while my kin and friends followed behind me. Everything was fine until I turned the corner and gasped loudly at seeing Gwain which woke Kili. My One blinked sleepily before zeroing in on Gwain and hissing angrily.

"_You_," Kili breathed as he glared from my arms, "Did you _touch_ him?! Did you touch my One's body under the thrall of that potion?"

I froze at not having thought of that. Did I sleep with that orc spawn? Mahal, please tell me I did not.

"No! I would never," Gwain denied in horror as my kin and friends growled low around us, "It was hard enough kissing a dwarf I knew belonged to another let alone taking advantage of him in such a way while he was being misled."

"How do I know that you speak the truth?" I demanded angrily as I pulled Kili closer to me.

"Because I can sense if someone is lying," Gandalf soothed as I glanced over at him, "This fool speaks the truth."

"I promised you that I wouldn't hurt Fili," Gwain spoke directly to Kili as my One turned his head away in anger and I seethed that the filth was clearly upsetting Kee who was so very fragile right now, "I'm so sorry for everything. I never wanted to hurt either of you."

"Kili nearly _died_ because of you, which would have destroyed me and now I know that you kissed me. Sick!" I hissed as my kin and friends murmured threatening statements while I turned so that Gwain could not look upon Kili, "Get your filthy eyes off of my One. You have no right to gaze upon him at all. Not when you have caused him such pain and suffering."

"Get away from my nephews," Thorin ordered as he came around a corner glaring angrily, "I do believe that you have done enough to both of the Princes to warrant the anger you are receiving even if your hand had been forced."

"I am ashamed of everything, your Majesty," Gwain sighed, "I promise you that I never wanted to harm your family. I…I am just so sorry."

"Sorry or not, you've done enough," I spat as Kili curled against me more shuddering in anger and upset, "Get out of my way. You've upset my One. Don't _ever_ come near me or mine again. Dwalin, if you would please."

Dwalin continued along shoving Gwain hard into the wall so that I could pass with my precious burden in my arms. I didn't relax until I had my One tucked into bed as Thorin stirred the fire high to keep the room warm. Kili began to relax as I peeled him out of the layers of blankets and helped him to change into a fresh nightshirt.

"I like these rooms better," I decided looking around, "Light is much nicer than our old chambers. My desk can go over there. We'll need another wardrobe."

Kili laughed joyfully as I continued planning things out loud. Thorin winked at me as he took his leave knowing that I was trying to distract Kee's mind from having seen that…_creature_. I knew that Thorin and Gandalf were going to track down how Bwain got his hands on that potion so no other dwarf would be placed into the situation my One had been placed in. That made me feel a lot better, but then my mind focused back on my One as Kee's eyes seemed to grow heavy with sleep.

"I'm falling asleep again," Kili whined as I sat next to him, "Go get your things or better yet…go skin Gwain."

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" I asked stroking Kee's hair, "I can stay with you while you sleep."

"I can still feel you near in my heart like I did before," Kili assured me as he closed his eyes, "I want to know that you are permanently moved in. I missed your arms around me at nighttime when he stole you from me."

I smiled as my One drifted back to sleep. I opened the door and saw Oin waiting.

"Watch over him for me while I gather my belongings," I instructed as the healer nodded, "Oin?"

"Yes?" the older dwarf asked.

"Thank you for being mad at me for hurting my Kili which shows how much you care for my brother," I offered, "Thank you for trying to relieve his pain. I would never willing hurt my One and I hope you know that."

"I'm glad," Oin answered, "Because I wanted to flay the flesh from your bones for a while there."

He and I both nodded at one another before I left to get my things. I snarled angrily when I saw that Gwain was in my old chambers under the watch of Nori and Dwalin.

"Getting his things before being exiled," Nori snorted angrily as I turned to him in question.

"You stay," I snarled as Gwain made to leave, "Keep your mouth shut and only answer my questions with a 'yes' or a 'no.'"

I slowly went through my clothing and found that Gwain had been with me for over half of what I owned.

"Burn those," I ordered Dwalin as he nodded happily at me as I regarded the box of clothing with scorn, "Did you touch any of my hair ornaments?"

"Only the bonding clip you gave me," Gwain answered as I sniffed and added them to my boxed things that I was keeping, "I'm really sorry, High Prince."

"I wish I could forgive you," I bit out angrily, "I know that you were trying to save your sister, but you watch your One dying in front of you and see how forgiving you can be. Kili was claimed by the Freeze. He lives only because the souls of our parents helped me draw him back. I was ready to follow Kee to his grave. That is how much I cannot live without Kili."

Gwain gasped as Dwalin and Nori inhaled sharply.

"Don't you _dare_ show your face to my One again," I snarled as Gwain bowed, "He has been upset by you more than he ever needed to be. I will kill you without asking questions if you approach my Kili."

"That goes for the rest of us," Dwalin added looking beyond livid as Nori fingered his knives menacingly, "You best be glad that the king has agreed to you living in the Blue Mountains with your sister rather than killing you outright for messing with the Royal Family."

"I understand," Gwain agreed as he bowed and left with Nori.

"Dwalin, would you please have some servants bring my desk and a new wardrobe to Kili's room once my One wakes?" I asked as the dwarf nodded, "Have everything else in here burned. I will have nothing in Erebor that reminds Kili of this awfulness that he suffered."

"Of course," Dwalin agreed, "That will be most pleasurable. I can carry the rest of your things to your room, I do believe you have something else you wanted to do. I know that face well."

"You do," I hummed as I grinned, "I need to change and I have something very important to do."

I walked briskly back to Kili's and what was my new room later that day and entered to see Thorin trying to get my lover to eat some soup.

"You look better in proper clothing," Kee greeted as I smiled and walked over to the bed that housed my One, "That box Dwalin just brought in can't be all of your clothes. Where are the rest, Fee?"

"Being burned since they were infested with orc spawn germs. Crawling with nasty. I don't even want to give them away," I admitted as my One laughed, "I can get more made later. Let me, Thorin."

Uncle relinquished the bowl of soup and stood so I could feed Kili.

"Now why weren't you eating for me?" Thorin smirked as Kili obediently ate as I fed him.

"You don't do it right," Kili joked as Thorin rolled his eyes, "I just don't feel hungry until Fee gets here for the moment. I don't really know why, but that is what is happening right now."

"Then I'll just have to stay," I said as Kili grinned at me, "Did you sleep well?"

"Mmhm," Kili agreed before turning away from the soup.

"Two more spoons like we agreed," I urged.

Thorin watched, seemingly pleased, as Kili accepted the extra spoons before I sat the bowl to the side.

"Look what I made for us," I said as Kili accepted the pouch that I offered him and he pulled out two, new hair clips that I had spent most of the day working on, "Do you like them?"

"I love them. They are beautifully done," Kili whispered as he ran his fingers across the matching clips and I smiled at my One's shining eyes before looking up at me earnestly, "Please don't throw away the old ones. They were our first bonding gifts."

"I wasn't going to," I soothed as Kee looked relieved, "But I can't wear that clip knowing that once that had been used to hurt you and led to you getting so ill. These clips will be our new start together to a bonding that never really ended."

Kili sighed softly as he held the clips before looking up at me and giving me a radiant smile that took my breath away.

"Thorin, I haven't the strength," Kili began looking up at our uncle hopefully, "Would you place this in Fee's hair for me?"

"Without question," Thorin agreed as he took one of the clips and pulled my hair back as I usually wore it, "I look forward to seeing the bonding clip in your hair once you are well and can get out of bed again, Kili."

"I look forward to that," Kili chuckled, "I hate bed rest, but I am just so tired. It's like I just can't get enough sleep."

"How long?" I asked as Kili and Thorin looked at me, "How long was I under the influence of that potion? I have broken images and pieces of conversations that make no sense to me within my mind. My memories of that time are hard to understand."

"Well over two months," Thorin admitted as I reeled at the amount of time that Kili suffered on his own.

"That's why your so worn," I groaned as Kili took my hand in his, "I just want to strangle…I'm so…I am _furious_."

"You're here with me now," Kili soothed as I shuddered in anger, "I'll be fine in time."

"Never should have gone through that in the first place," I gritted out as waves of rage washed over me, "I am so sorry, Kee."

"Not going to even answer that," Kili smirked as I regarded him in surprise, "My Fee would never hurt me. That spell made you into someone else and not my One. There is nothing to forgive since my real Fili came back to me."

"Listen to Kili, Nephew," Thorin urged as he patted my back reassuringly, "None of this was your fault. Really, you can't fully blame Gwain. He and his sister will be exiled to the Blue Mountains to start a new life. However, as for the father, Bwain, I will be dealing with him myself with Gandalf's assistance. Balin discovered that the filth worked on this plot on his own and forced Gwain's hand in poisoning you while we were in the Shire. He will pay for this treachery."

"Good," I breathed as I pulled Kili's hand to my chest, "Make him suffer for what he did to my One."

Kili's eyes were growing heavy with fatigue so Thorin nodded quietly and left as my lover fell back to sleep. I began to unpack my belongings and set up the chambers in a way that would be pleasant for both Kili and myself for the next hour. This was a way to start fresh.

To be continued…


	11. Chapter 11

**Bite of Cold with Loss of Love**

This is an AU/Slash story. Interested, then read. If not your cup of tea then pass this story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing.

Chapter Eleven

Kili's eyes were growing heavy with fatigue so Thorin nodded quietly and left as my lover fell back to sleep. I began to unpack my belongings and set up the chambers in a way that would be pleasant for both Kili and myself for the next hour. This was a way to start fresh.

"Why is there…there is food in here," I gasped opening some cabinets to see plates hidden inside with a frown before looking over at Kili, "You hid these so we wouldn't know you couldn't eat. Dammit and really gross, Kee."

I gathered the dish on a tray and flagged down a servant to take the dishes down to the kitchen before returning to my unpacking. Gwain had torn Kili up inside and that pissed me off so bad that my hands itched to slice him with a sword, or knife, or axe, or anything sharp actually. Something that would hurt. Badly. Very badly. Very, very badly. Did I mention he needed to hurt?

"Stop it," I sighed to myself looking about, "Kee, I love you, but you are a pig. Always have been, Little Piggy."

My One was a messy person without me aiding him in organization and it took me some time to gather all of his clothes from off the floor and in chairs.

"I don't like that tunic," Kili whispered to me as I whirled in surprise that he had woken again even if it had been a couple of hours.

"Why is that?" I asked, "You look good in blue and this is the tunic Balin gifted you with three Solstices ago."

"That's what I was wearing when I gave you back our bonding clip," Kili stated looking away for a moment, "I just…I don't like that tunic anymore."

I looked at the blue tunic in anger and marched over and tossed the thing into the fire. Anything that reminded Kili of his pain needed to go. Now.

"What about this one?" I began as I held up each garment and then burned the ones that had any type of a bad memory associated with the piece.

Kili seemed happy that I was taking so much effort in getting rid of anything associated with Gwain. I wanted that dwarf out of Kee's mind as soon as possible. My One had suffered enough. Now that his heart was open to me again I could feel how much pain he had been through. I was livid that I had allowed myself to trust so fully in another that I could be poisoned with a potion. Never again, but for now I needed to concentrate on Kili.

"Good riddance," I huffed as the last garment hit the flames before I dumped the other clothes into the laundry hamper, "My desk will go there, Kili, and I've set up the new wardrobe that was brought in for us. Clothes go in the first wardrobe and this second one is for our weapons."

Kili rolled over on his side and listened to me with a contented look on his face while I showed him where things had been stored. It wasn't until his eyes filled with tears that I stopped and hurried over. Kee clung to me as I held him close.

"I've missed you so much," Kili sobbed into my shoulder as I tried to calm my One, "I missed feeling how much you loved me in my heart. I missed being fussed at for not putting my stuff away and for throwing my dirty clothes around. I missed you holding me when I slept. It's been so _horrible_ without you. I hurt all the time and it never stopped. It never stopped, Fee. Not even my injuries after the battle for Erebor hurt that bad. I could barely breathe."

"I am so sorry, Love," I whispered rocking my One, "You should never had gone through this. You should never have felt that way. I realize I am not to blame for what happened, but I still wish I could erase your pain."

"Nothing was your fault," Kili whimpered snuggling close, "Don't leave me again. Please. Don't leave me alone."

"I will never leave you again," I soothed as Kee continued to release his pent up emotions, "I know you, Kili. You've been trying to hold everything in to stay strong like the stubborn dwarf you are. Let it out. Just let everything out. I'm here now. I'm right here. You have every right to be hurt and angry."

Kili cried for a bit of time before stilling and looking up at me with blushing cheeks.

"It was the first time that I ever wished that I was fair-haired," Kili admitted as I blinked at him in astonishment, "I…it's so silly, Fee, but I thought if I had looked more like Gwain then maybe I wouldn't have lost you."

Silly Kili. As if, I ever wanted that. Kili never once believed me when I said he was handsome. He played a good game of appearing sure of himself, but Kee was not as sure as he showed.

"My tastes are not for gold, but for the raven locks upon your head," I assured as Kili sniffled and buried his face into my chest in embarrassment, "That dwarf has nothing on you, Kee. I claimed you all those years ago because I knew that you were my One. I have eyes for no other."

The cry was good for Kili. My One was finally able to grieve completely for all he had gone through. This catharsis of emotion was like a cleansing for Kee as he and I came to many understandings that strengthened a bond that was already strong to begin with. He began to eat more and sleep less as the days added up into weeks. The only true issues that Kili and I dealt with were nightmares that plagued our dreams at times that showed us the loss of our One. We would cling to one another as we calmed.

"I hate this," I had whined as Kili reassured me one night, "I hate seeing the image of you…I can't handle seeing you lifeless before me."

"I know," Kili sighed holding me close, "In my nightmare I see you from far away and I can't reach you no matter how hard I try. Then…then _he_ comes and takes you away as the Freeze rips me to pieces. That is the most benign one. The others are worse."

Time for a distraction.

"Let's do other things than sleep," I decided pouncing on my giggling One.

Kili and I suffered from the nightmares for a while, but eventually even the dreams faded over time.

I had been right that the new chambers were better. Setting up our rooms together was another step away from the past. I enjoyed caring for Kili and my One glowed in happiness when at last he was able to venture out of bed a bit with his new clasp placed in his hair by my hands.

"I want to walk about," Kili whined at me from his seat in front of the fire with a blanket tucked over his lap about a week after he had been allowed up which was a good four months after bringing my One back from the Shire, "I'm bored, Fee."

"Tough," I grumbled as I dressed for the first council meeting I had attended since the near loss of my One, "I can't concentrate at the meeting if I am worried that you will overdue things. Oin would like you to wait at least another week before doing a lot of physical activity."

"Aw," Kili groaned as I chuckled before he looked at me and frowned, "Where is your crown? Uncle is going to skin you if you show up without the proper dress for being the High Prince. Tell me you didn't burn it because of…_him_."

"Of course I wouldn't burn the crown that our Uncle wore at our age. The crown was damaged when I tackled the vermin at that horrible ceremony and Gloin has been fixing the damage," I admitted as Kili paled, "No. Don't get upset everything is alright again. I'm here. Gloin will be here any minute to bring my crown to me and is going to keep you company while I'm gone."

"I don't need a watcher," Kili huffed irritably.

"I know," I agreed as I slunk over to steal a kiss, "It is I that needs to be reassured that you are safe. I came so close to losing you, Kee. The nightmares and the memories are too much for me sometimes. Forgive me my over-protectiveness."

"Forgiven," Kili chuckled as he kissed me back, "You've never mentioned what happened at that farce of a wedding before. Did you really tackle Gwain?"

"Tackled the dwarf flat," Gloin called as he stuck his head through the open doorway, "It was a sight to see. Take a look at this, Fili, I think I was able to repair your crown back to its original glory."

Gloin did a wonderful job and I kneeled to allow Kili to refresh my bonding braid before he placed the crown upon my brow.

"There we go," Kee laughed as I sulked at having to wear my dress robes again, "You look like a proper royal-pain-in-the-butt now."

"Brat," I chuckled as I turned to leave.

Kili's Point of View:

I hid a smile when I heard Fili whisper for Gloin to watch over me well. My lover worried about me every moment of the day. I'd be glad to get completely well again to set Fili's mind at ease. Gloin was great company, but he tended to baby me like he would his son. It was irritating to say the least, but I hoped to convince him to allow me some freedom.

"I would like to venture to the windowed balcony," I admitted as Gloin frowned, "Please? I've been stuck in my room for months. I need some sunshine and it is not that far."

"Far enough," Thorin snapped from the doorway before winking at me, "Don't try to con Gloin, Kili. It's unbecoming of our line and not fair to our cousin. You know that Fili would have a fit and fuss at Gloin."

"Yeah. Not fair to me," Gloin agreed with a grin, "Very unfair to place me in that situation."

"I'm bored," I hissed going limp as Thorin and Gloin laughed at me, "Give me a break here. Please?"

"Only if I carry you," Thorin finally agreed as I made a face, "That's the deal. Take it or leave it. I carry you so you don't tire too quickly."

"Now that faces looks like my Gimli's," Gloin snorted as I grimaced, "I think my wee lad learned some of his manipulative behavior from you, Kili. So what say you?"

"Fine," I huffed and allowed my uncle to assist me into more appropriate clothing for leaving my chambers and didn't even snark at the circlet placed on my head, "Embarrassing to be carried like a child."

"Don't be so dramatic," Thorin chuckled as he walked with me in his arms as Gloin followed, "Soon you will not need this assistance."

"Soon cannot come _soon_ enough," I bit out before sighing in bliss as I was settled in a chair under bright sunshine while still being protected from the cooler weather by the glass, "Sun feels _so_ good."

"You are melting into your chair," Thorin remarked as I grunted and gave him a shooing motion, "You tell me if you get cold."

"Not cold. Feels nice," I moaned soaking up the sun.

I enjoyed my outing and chatted amicably with Thorin and Gloin until running footsteps could be heard and Fili burst from the entrance way looking panicked.

"Did you _walk_ here?" Fili demanded frantically as I stared in shock before my One turned on Thorin angrily, "Did you allow him to walk here? Kili's not healed yet! How could you? Gloin! You were supposed to be watching him!"

"I was…I didn't…Thorin!" Gloin spluttered as I had to hold a fist to my lips to keep from laughing aloud.

"Calm yourself," Thorin ordered with a hidden grin, "I carried Kili here. The sunshine is doing him good. Why aren't you at the meeting?"

Fili didn't answer as he snatched a blanket from a pile near the door and covered me under a second layer since Thorin had made sure that I was securely wrapped up before leaving my chambers to begin with. This second layer was unneeded

"You'll catch a chill," Fili griped hovering anxiously, "Leave you for one second and look at the trouble you get into."

This was my Fili. This was something I had seen before and loved every minute of. My One never changed and I didn't ever want him to.

"Answer your king's question. Why aren't you at your meeting?" I questioned.

"You asked a question?" Fili asked turning to our uncle as Thorin laughed outright, "My apologies. The meeting ended early after Ori accidently knocked ink all over Lord Poga. It's been rescheduled for next week, but we did come to some good decisions about extending the forges. Oh, and I promised to replace Lord Poga's robes. It was his fault anyway. Scared poor Ori to death, but Dori gave the lord one of his looks and the dwarf backed down. Dori can be frightening when angered."

Fili settled next to me as I closed my eyes to soak up the warmth of the sun while Thorin and my One discussed the meeting's events. I wanted to purr in contentment when Fee's hands began to stroke my bonding braid ever so gently. I must have snoozed because the next thing I knew I was being lifted again.

"Hmm?" I hummed as I woke and noticed that the sun had moved enough to allow me to know a lot of time had passed, "Fee?"

"You do look better after getting some sun," Fili grinned at me as he walked us back to our chambers, "Uncle and Gloin went to another meeting so I'm free for the rest of the afternoon."

I grinned and we grew silent until we slipped into our chambers and I watched as Fili wiggled out of his dress robes eagerly. I squawked in surprise when I was tackled down onto the bed I had been sat on.

"I'm going to punish you for not staying put like I asked," Fili snickered as he placed my circlet on the table next to our bed as I arched at his seeking hands, "Take it like a dwarf."

I didn't. I screamed like a maid as my One took me hard. I was so going to turn the tables once I had my strength levels back up, but I was fine where I was at the moment as Fili's familiar hands touched me in all the right places.

"Kill you later," I murmured once we had come down from our high and I was lying in my One's arms.

Fili snickered as he stroked my hair before he leaned over me and kissed me deeply.

"We'll be planning a wedding soon," Fili informed me as my heart soared while I reached and stroked his bonding braid, "I want you wearing blue. You will be a sight to see and lads and lassies alike will drool in envy over what is mine."

"Sure they will," I remarked drily, "Not when they see you in all your High Prince refinery, but none may touch you, but me."

"Same goes for you, Silly," Fili began, "You never believe me when I tell you that you are beautiful. You are, Kee. Many would have you if allowed. I'd kill all of them if they tried so we must be married so none may ever question again. It's hard enough to see people looking at you with lust once ale frees their inhibitions. I want to poke their eyes out!"

I burst into laughter as Fili joined me. My One could be pretty possessive at times, but who was I to mention that when I was just the same about my golden dwarf. I grinned so happy I could burst.

"We'll plan the ceremony later," I smirked out as Fee looked back at me with sparkling eyes as I tugged his head down by his moustache braids, "Show me more of what we'll do our wedding night."

And he did.

To be continued…


	12. Epilogue

**Bite of Cold with Loss of Love**

This is an AU/Slash story. Interested, then read. If not your cup of tea then pass this story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.

I own nothing.

Epilogue

I was livid. Absolutely angered beyond anything I had encountered before. Thorin had let me know that the whole of the Blue Mountain settlement had arrived in Erebor. There had been a rockslide that had created too much damage to contend with before winter so the dwarves of Blue Mountain would be staying here until spring to then go back to rebuild. It had been five years since the whole Gwain incident and I didn't like to have to tell Kili that the Orc Spawn was back.

"How do I tell him?" I fretted to myself as I walked to my chambers since my husband had retired to bed early for the evening, "Dammit."

I froze as I turned the corner and beheld the door to my chambers. The door was cracked. Kili would never have left the door open or even unlocked. I silently crept forward making no sound to peek inside and my blood ran cold as I withdrew a dagger and rushed forward.

"Don't you dare," I hissed as I placed my dagger at Gwain's neck from behind as he leaned over my sleeping One lighted by only the glowing embers in the fireplace, "Back up slowly or I kill you here and now."

Gwain put his hands where I could see them as I dragged him from my chambers. As soon as I knew that Kili was safe behind a closed door and we had turned a corner I threw the Orc Spawn to the floor.

"What the hell was that?" I snarled as I lunged and tackled Gwain flat, "I warned you five years ago to stay away from my One! You picked the lock of the damn door, didn't you?"

"I needed to see Prince Kili," Gwain stated looking up remorsefully as I seethed, "I…I just needed to see with my own eyes that your brother was well. I had heard that he had healed, but…Mahal, High Prince, I nearly killed him. It's been tearing me up inside for the last five years."

"Tearing you up?" I questioned angrily, "You have no idea the pain you caused my One. You have no idea how long it took Kili to regain his strength and have a normal appetite. You have no idea the nightmares Kili and I suffered at the fear of losing one another that first year after your sorcery. You have no idea the bite of the cold that I only felt for a moment to bring my love back from the brink of the Freeze. Kili felt that bite for weeks…months! Tell me why I shouldn't slit your throat now!"

Gwain looked up at me so sadly. I didn't care for his emotions. This was the one that nearly made me lose my Kili.

"I wish you would," Gwain snorted as I regarded him in surprise, "I messed everything up for everyone. I hurt Prince Kili so much which was never my intentions. When I realized that he was your One for real, I was shocked and unsure. I wanted to save my sister, but Kili…."

"Do not use my One's name with such familiarity," I warned as I pushed my dagger deeper into Gwain's neck.

"My apologies. I will not," Gwain agreed as I pulled away a little, "I thought if I protected you completely then I could make everything up to your brother back then. At the time, I didn't think that the Freeze was real. I convinced myself that I was making the best of a bad situation."

"There is more," I gritted out as Gwain looked at me guiltily, "I saw how you were looking at Kili lying within our bed. You had your hand out to touch what was mine. Explain yourself now."

"Fili! What are you…who?" Dwalin called as he hurried over before getting a good look and hissed, "_You_!"

Gwain looked panicked as his eyes darted between me and the angry dwarf standing beside us as he and I still lay sprawled on the floor.

"What has happened?" Dwalin questioned.

"What new sorcery were you plotting?" I demanded ignoring Dwalin for the moment.

"None! I swear," Gwain denied as I narrowed my eyes.

"You are withholding something from me. I say again that I saw how you were looking at my One. Tell me the truth. Answer me," I ordered as Gwain blushed.

"I have desires for your brother," Gwain admitted as red filled my vision and I dropped my dagger to punch the bastard as hard as I could as many times as I could before hands dragged me away while yelling voices filled the hall.

"Let go of me!" I yelled as I struggled to try to get out of Gloin's and Bofur's grip, "His life is mine to take. Gwain broke into my chambers! The _animal_ was looking upon my husband's body while Kili was asleep!"

"You _what_?" Dwalin snarled as he dragged Gwain to his feet and glared into his bloody face.

"I went to see if Prince Kili had healed," Gwain whispered as he lowered his head, "I always thought the Prince was…High Prince Fili is not the only dwarf with a taste for dark locks and big, brown eyes. I couldn't look away when I discovered him asleep within his bed. All of my actions just never seem to work out as I mean them to."

"I say we let Fili go and forget we saw all of this so he can finish what he started," Gloin suggested.

"Fee? Fili, where are you?"

I snapped my head up to see Kili rushing around the corner in only his sleeping pants with no shirt as he had been in our bed. My yelling must have woken Kee up and he came to make sure I was okay. A growl tore from my throat when I noticed Gwain gazing hungrily at my One.

"Don't you _dare_ look at him!" I growled as I jerked out of the arms that held me and hurried to block Gwain's view of my husband with my own body, "Look away, Scum!"

Kili looked at me with surprised eyes before glancing over my shoulder and freezing in shock. I tore my jacket off and helped my One slip into the garment to hide his state of undress. I was mollified that Gwain had turned his head as I had demanded.

"What is _he_ doing here?" Kili asked as he glared at Gwain angrily while he held the coat closed with his hands, "Wasn't he exiled? Fili, what's going on? I heard you yelling."

"Go to our chambers," I instructed as Kili looked rebellious, "I will explain everything in a moment. Just…please let me handle this. I will be there in a second."

"Fine," Kili agreed as he eyed me before looking over at Gwain, "Don't you dare touch, Fili. Dwalin, please rip off that thing's hands if he touches my One. Leave his member intact. I will remove that myself once I have been informed of his actions."

"I can do that," Dwalin agreed as Kili looked pleased and reluctantly walked back to our chambers with one last look at me.

That was my Kili. Kee was direct and to the point always. I waited until my One was far enough away to regard the bloody dwarf before me in seething anger. I bent slowly and retrieved my dagger from where it had been dropped.

"So you couldn't help, but gaze upon my One with desire in your heart?" I spat as the dwarves around me grumbled angrily while I kept my dagger out and ready, "Kili and I are married and not just bonded like before. You just admitted to lusting over my _husband_. That is a crime here in Erebor to attempt to touch another dwarf's spouse without permission let alone the husband of the High Prince."

"I know," Gwain sighed, "That is why I wouldn't mind if you slit my throat. I just can't seem to do anything right. I am not a bad dwarf."

Gwain was speaking the truth. I could see that even in my anger.

"What is going on here?" a voice called out as Thorin appeared on the scene, "Fili?"

I quickly explained everything as my king's face turned hard.

"I bring you back here due to a bad situation and this is how you repay me?" Thorin bit out, "You enter my nephews' room without permission and look upon Prince Kili as he slept? I am appalled. Tell me why I shouldn't have you executed like your father?"

"I will not even try to defend myself," Gwain whispered looking deflated, "It gets worse. I have feeling for High Prince Fili's husband."

"You _what_?" Kili demanded as he barged back around the corner fully dressed.

"I asked you to wait for me," I sighed as my husband hurried over.

"I don't want you alone with him," Kili denied looking livid and placed himself in front of me protectively, "The last time I left you alone the bastard poisoned you with a potion. I won't take that chance again. You have feelings for me, Gwain, feelings?"

Gwain ducked his head as I watched Kili get cold and serious.

"You didn't have feelings for me when you stole Fili from me five years ago," Kili spat, "You must not have felt that much since you caused my heart to shatter and it took so long for my husband to repair all the damage you caused."

"Kili was in agony because of you and I felt this pain through our link once the damn spell had been broken that _you_ put on me. The two of us had to heal together. The nightmares were horrible things showing both of us lives without each other which always ended in death," I added as I pulled my One into my arms and took his hand in mine, "Look at us."

Gwain's head snapped up as I regarded the dwarf and extended Kili's hand within my own for the other dwarf to see the matching bands upon both of our hands.

"Kili is _my_ husband. Do you see the wedding rings upon our fingers? We are married. This will be the last time I allow you to gaze upon Kee's face," I stated with deadly calm, "Look upon what you will _never_ have. Kili is mine as I am his. I am sorry that you developed feelings that will never be reciprocated, but I will spill your blood if ever you are near my One again."

"As will I if you take a step towards Fili," Kili added stepping forward for a moment, "You are not worthy of being in my husband's presence."

"I'm sorry," Gwain offered as Kili paused, "I don't know what came over me and…no, I lie. I know what came over me. I've had a crush on you since before Bwain forced my hand to do what I did. It was wrong of me to enter your rooms. I really did only want to assure myself that you were well. I am glad that you two are married. You deserve one another."

"I know we do," Kili snorted as I grinned at my husband's directness, "Very well. I will accept your apology _only_ if I never see you again and you never show yourself to my Fili. Your face brings up memories that are hard to remember for us both."

I startled at seeing the pain flash in Kili's eyes. I drew him close and glared over my shoulder as I turned my husband away from Gwain.

"Thorin, I wish for Gwain to be watched to make sure that he doesn't cross paths with Kee until he leaves in the spring. I hope that is not too much to ask, my king?" I began as my uncle nodded, "I am taking my husband back to our rooms."

"Can you forgive me?" Gwain called as I stilled.

"No," I denied not looking back, "You hurt my One. I see the pain you still cause to my husband when he looks upon you. I cannot offer any forgiveness at this moment. You were correct before, you are not a bad dwarf, but you made decisions that wreaked havoc on both Kili's and my own life. I also better never hear of this 'desire' for my husband again. Kili is off limits to you in both your thoughts and your physical life. I never wish to lay eyes upon you again. Do that for me and in time I think I can forgive, but not now."

"That is more than I deserve," Gwain offered as he bowed deeply once I finally looked at him, "I will heed your words and never bother you two again."

"We will see that you don't," Dwalin bit out as Thorin, Gloin and Bombur looked fierce, "There is a whole mountain of dwarves here that will be watching to make sure that you keep your word. Remember that, Gwain."

I walked Kili and I back to our room and only relaxed once the door was firmly locked with a table wedged up against it for good measure and I pulled my husband into my arms.

"I am replacing the lock on that door," I huffed as I held Kili tight, "I've been working on a lock that I don't even think Nori can pick as a fun project, but now it is a necessity. Bastard, looked at you. He _looked_ upon you."

"Nothing, but looked," Kili soothed as he drew back and looked down at me from his taller height, "I don't think Gwain meant any harm."

"I think you are right," I hummed as my husband and I began to undress for bed, "But he looked at what is mine with desire in his eyes. No one looks upon you again while in a state of undress. No one. Your body is only for me to see."

"So possessive," Kili chuckled as he drew me close, "I'll help you."

"Help me with what?" I asked as my husband began to suckle at my neck, "Mm. I see."

Kili made short work of getting me on the bed and long work of teasing me before I was filled and rocked within. My husband and I took turns at being dominant and I enjoyed both roles.

"Better?" Kili asked as I chuckled after our love making.

"Mmhm," I sighed as I leaned up and straddled my One as I stroked his hair that fanned around his face on the pillow he laid upon, "You had pain in your eyes, Kee."

"Only at the memories of what he did," Kili murmured as I stroked his bonding plait, "My heart is healed and full since you came for me those years ago. Can't you feel how happy I am?"

"I can," I whispered as my husband's breath hitched as I stretched him and eased within, "You are mine. I want no more pain in your eyes. Not now. Not ever."

"Move, Fee," Kili mewed as I hitched his hips up and began my ride, "Love you, my husband."

"Love you more," I purred as I rocked and drew out as many pants and cries of pleasure that I could, "You are so beautiful."

"You are blind. I am hardly beautiful," Kili denied before gasping as I rocked into him hard, "Ooh!"

"My eyes never lie nor my lips about your beauty," I breathed rocking in hard again as Kee moaned in pleasure, "I have never desired another. I never will. Only for you would I ever be claimed."

Kili chuckled and urged me to go faster as we worked ourselves into a tizzy of need before finishing our coupling and settling down for some sleep.

"Kee?" I breathed as my husband looked up at me, "You are my everything. I will never allow anyone to look upon you like that again. No one may desire you, but me."

"I know," Kili grinned out, "You are my everything as well. I am only yours and untouched, but for your hands. Sleep. We are safe."

Kili snuggled against me as I enjoyed my husband's familiar weight against me. We were safe and I vowed to allow no one to change that.

And I didn't.

The end.

That was fun to write. Let me know how you liked the ending. Should I write more Tolkien fics? I do enjoy the dwarves. Their personalities are endless.

TTFN!


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